It’s a far-off country, he would say.

Nothing's ever too hard

2010-10-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

God's here with us. He sees, He understands and He guides ( in case we turn this into idolatry) so nothing's gonna be too hard.

Thankful

2010-10-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

I KNOW YOU'LL BE READING THIS SO THIS IS FOR YOU.

You give and take away

2010-10-16T09:54:00.001-07:00

Life has been too good to me. God has showered me with blessings after blessings, I'm overwhelmed, I'm grateful, and 'happy' is an understatement. From the academics, to relationships, to 101 other things, You have been good to me.

And that's why I'm afraid. I've seen my prayers being answered, one by one. I've been seeing the blessings come one after and another, but whenever i thank God, I'm also dying to ask, 'When are You gonna take this away?' I know trials will come, I know our faith will be put to test, I know He refines and moulds His children by putting them through the fire. I know, just as He freely gives, He can also freely take away. I feel like I'm bracing myself, everyday, for that moment where everything will start tumbling downhill. That 'Job moment' where everything will be taken away, and we will learnt to praise His name in spite of everything.

There are 3 things I hold closest to my heart: studies, friends and him. In no particular order. I really don't know what I'll do if any of the 3 are taken away? And I'm frightened, all the time. Especially now when everything is still new and exciting, where I know we're going through the honeymoon period where we can spend hours and hours on the phone, and he'll still willingly send me home all the time. When will novelty gives way to mundaneness, what happens? It just scares me immensely, that one day things won't be the same anymore. Have we been wearing rose-tinted glasses? Will we really get bored of this one day? What if it's not Your plan for this to happen?

I don't know, I don't know, and I feel so silly sometimes worrying and thinking so much, but it's running and running through my head, and it needs a place to settle, so here it'll belong. I'll trust God. Trust that just as He has brought us through the highs, He'll bring us through the lows as well.

Rubbish in a bin

2010-10-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so stressed out and i don't know whyy! Whyyyyyyy. Whyyyyyyyy.
Hahahah enough of nonsense. Maybe its cos of eh eh bhbh or maybe its the south asian mids next week, or its the gem or its everything. Oh maybeee, maybeeeee.
DON'T KNOW LA THIS SUCKS A LOT.

I'm aware of how blessed I am, but but but I can still feel blessed and be stressed?? No?? Maybeeee???

Hahahhah my most retarded, thoughtless post everrr(:

Top of the world

2010-09-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

I will trust You.

Nip and tuck

2010-09-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

How do I tell you that I'm afraid? That it's not you, it's me. You're good and you're awesome, and I'm not good enough and that's the problem. What if one day you realise what I've always known, what if one day everything disappears, what am I going to do? When the mask falls away and we're faced with the good, bad and ugly, can we take it? I need to know why, why me. Exactly what do you see? Tell me why and I'll tell you why not. I'm nothing like the person you think I am. I've tucked the ugliness neatly away, I've polished up a new shinning exterior, it's pretty because it's nothing like the real thing.

We both saw the crack, sorry I pretended everything is okay. And until I learn a better way to hide my insecurities, I'll keep glossing over all these with a smile.

2010-09-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

I want to go completely crazyy

2010-09-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

More than I would ever dare admit.
More than I deserve.
Less of me, more of You in this please. I know we can't manage this alone; sometimes I feel like just throwing it all aside because I'm so sick of fake sweets. I know this time it'll be different because I'll be obedient to You, at all costs. So I will stop praying ' Dear God, let me know your will for my life', but instead I'll just fix my eyes on you and everything will be fine.
You couldn't have known, but I'm telling you now: it's called insecurities. Push the wrong button and we'll be stabbing each other.

Next time!

2010-09-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm scared as hell, you know. How would I know, that something supposedly so awesome can frighten me so.

Not ready, next time, next time! Maybe I'm just not ready to grow up:(

Green monster

2010-08-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

This huge green monster called Jealousy.

Look before you fall

2010-07-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

I'll look before I fall, just to make sure. Like a gamble, we'll make sure we put all our chips on the best one. We cross our fingers and pray,' let this be the one.'

What if it's not? There's no way we can get our chips back, we already know that.

So, look before you fall.

Tell me if you are a jerk.

2010-07-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

Tell me if you are a jerk.

Teeny weeny

2010-07-18T09:47:00.001-07:00

Look around and see how tiny you really are.

10 Red Indians

2010-07-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

1. It's funny how someone from so long ago can appear and still leave you gagging, your heart inside your mouth. I clicked on the x, made you go away, and clicked on somebody else to take your place. I'm hoping, I'm hoping.

2. I love the pop pop pop from facebook chat windows. Who cares that they're so tiny?

3. Pick the apple from the apple tree, pluck it, eat it. You don't have to wash it, it's really clean.

4. If I'm wondergirl, I've to find a spiderman for a boyfriend.

5. The decision to club or not is a personal one, something you must decide for yourself, something you must must must pray about and hear what God says. If you go with clean intentions, you'll be at peace. If not, wait, wait and wait. Until God says you're ready. After all, God has such a good track record I've gotta trust Him.

6. How do you know if God is nodding His head? Okay if you know right, please give me a tap on the shoulder and let me know. I need to know how.

7. Mulberry and Lychees, mmmm. You go bom bom bom.

8. The distracted life. Busy busy as a bumble bee, directionless as a headless chicken. You you you, you are running around like a headless chicken.

9. Hide in a hole now, let no one find you. Feed on your thoughts.

10. The smilely face ran away, hee hee you're stuck with your angry face.

2010-06-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

Let's cha-cha,

University

2010-06-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

I think university is v v v scary. Even with friends, even if you're in Arts fac. ROAR ROAR

Everything's gonna be okay now

2010-06-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

Everything's gonna be okay now.

Crossiants go and die

2010-06-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Stupid crossiants go and die. You are so troublesome, why must you taste so good. WHYYYY

Rainbow heart

2010-06-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

Tear off your mask, hold your heart in your hands. I' ll pour in a rainbow into your heart. The valves will be not able to keep it out. See, look, you're shinning (:

Revelation

2010-06-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

I’m reading Revelations now and it’s v v frightening.

Rev 2: 4-5 ‘ yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lamp-stand from its place.’

Something even scarier: Rev 3:16 ‘So, because you are luke-warm- neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, poor, blind and naked.’

THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD BUT I’VE MADE UP MY MIND AND I’M GONNA DO IT. It’s no coincidence that after I prayed about it during cell retreat, I flipped to the Old Testament and read about Israelites being led down the path of destruction. Then I was just reading again about ‘people defiling themselves.’ I was gonna say I wish God can speak to me to my face so it’s more obvious, then I remembered, especially after reading Revelations, how the earth shakes at the sound of His voice and how looking at the holy Lord can kill you. So thank God for speaking thorough the bible and His people instead.

You know, my life is actually v v v comfortable now. You can even say that I’ve never felt so comfortable and peaceful in my entire life. During primary school, my life is like one big empty hole. It was so dark and empty, I was so used to the darkness I thought it was a normalcy in life. In secondary school I tried filling the emptiness with friends, msn, blogging, music, sch activities, but it was still empty. And in ACSI it was just day after day of completing IAs TOKs EE goodnessssss. Okay my life story hahaha. ANYWAY, my point is, I love how I can now live day to day without burden, light and happy and with God. Though I now am quite sick of Jones and wish I can work with Ann and Mama Claire ALL THE TIME, (yesterday was the BEST day of work I ever had in Jones, and for no reason other than the awesome people around. Claire was like ‘Just be happy and work. Hoping for a peaceful night.’ And it turned out to be not only a peaceful night, but a sweeeeet night as well. A guy came to our shop to look for a birthday cake, then we were like oh sorry we don't have, so he went down to Taka to buy before coming back again. Then he arranged a surprise for her. Then he sat down for a long long time to wait for her. As he waited he got a little anxious and asked me what time we close. Haha finally when the girlfriend came, she’s quite pretty plus the bf was rather cute so both of them looked quite good together! We were all watching them then even Fareed was like Aw very sweet you know.), I still like the fact that it’s a brainless job, not as boring as Pat’s, and that there’s never left over work (but there’s always left over food!) to bring home(:

Well, but I guess these days will be ending soon. Say bye to idleness, and hello to new burdens. But I’m smiling as I see school life beckoning to me!!! Quite exciting, being around people my age again. And making REAL FRIENDS, HAVING REAL, NON-HOW-ARE-YOU CONVERSATIONS AGAIN. Though the initial oh what’s your name, what school were you from thing is bound to get quite tedious and annoying. Suck it up and everything will be good after that(:

On a VERY HAPPY NOTE:D:D:D, 1) Commonwealth Children’s Camp is coming and I’m praying God will be with us every step along the way, the planning and execution and all that 2) LAVANNIA NA IS COMING BACK! The most retarded person I’ve met my entire life is back and I’m looking forward to goooooood and crazy timessssss. 3)I’m going hongkong!!!! Budget+ sales plane tics and free accommodation omgggg. Dim sum, here I come!!!! 4) FOC for FASS and VCF (still thinking about that one)

I’m really v v blessed. These two weeks has been spent with the most amazing people everrr. Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking to myself it’s all too good to be true. The people I have around me are too good to be MY friends. On my bday there was ann Cherie Vicky Claire Debbie Brenda yuhua syl(: (: (: then I had lunch/ dinner with chinwee gene the next 2 days. I also had Japanese food (THUMBS UP TO ANYTHING THAT IS JAPANESE AND EDIBLE) my mum some time after that. THEN shopping with sin and liz, followed by dinner with them both and syl and li(: (: GOOD FOOD AND GOOD COMPANY. Then shuan for FRIED XXXL CHICKEN AND FRIED MARS BARS, then yuhua today for zajiang mian. Then childrens camp committee for chomchom dinner/ supper/ feast. I swear I can’t locate my waist now.

HORRIBLE DAY AT WORK

2010-06-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

sunday after a horrible day at work:

Today was a horrible day at Jones. I got scolded- TWICE. And knowing that you were the one at fault, 100% just makes everything harder. If I had gotten scolded for something’s that’s not my fault I’ll just be very annoyed and come to the conclusion that people are just retarded and they’re not worth getting upset over then get over it in a moment. But if it’s something that is totally my fault, it makes me feel so stupid and stupid and stupid. (Sorry for the limited volcab; repetition for emphasis.) LIKE TODAY. Like how it totally slipped my mind that afternoon shifts on weekends start at 1430, NOT 1500. Like how I decided the customer wouldn’t mind if I just slip a few sugar cubes into the sugar glasses on his table so I won’t have to go back later to do it, when I know perfectly well that the smart and correct thing to do would be to only top up them empty tables. And that’s not all, I had to accidentally fling a sugar cube on the man’s dear wife ( the retarded man who went like ‘oh I want to sit next to my wife’ and the same retard who made a fuss about ting reading up on DELI stuffs during work times.)

It’s so easy to blame it on the customers like what I’m so tempted to do right now. But really, who the hell am I kidding, it’s really me who’s retarded and I wish I’m not so retarded. Thank God for blessing me with patient people around me who really put up with my noobness and brainless comments. I can’t imagine having a friend like myself around, I’ll just feel like stabbing her all the time. ANYWAY. I’m such a troublemaker I think Jones was just asking for trouble when they hired me. I do stupid and embarrassing things EVERYDAY. I don't think there’s every been a day where I haven’t made any mistakes, even after working there for nearly a month. RETARDED RETARDED ,RETARDED. Okay for example. The major times when I’ve pissed people off. Today twice ( where’s ann when I need someone to cry to at work???) and last week the wrong order tapas order on chef’s last day at work that he made a big huha and everyone knew about it. Then when I apologized he said, ‘ When you all are newcomers, I give you guys room for mistakes. But you can’t just keep on making all these mistakes. Firstly, you waste the company’s resources. Secondly, you waste my time and effort. (I’m convinced he had a thirdly but I can't remember what it is)’ But after that he went like ‘ actually nevermind one laa.’ That’s a bit confusing, because after being so harsh he suddenly made it seem so non consequential. Okay and today’s munching-got-into-trouble scenes keeps replaying in my head so I need to put it down over here as well. When I came into the shop, singcheer was like ‘what time are you supposed to be here?’ then I was so stunned I just stared at her. She repeated herself again and her eyes were boring straight mine, ‘what time are you supposed to be here.’ ‘3 pm, you sure it’s 3pm? Did you check your schedule?’ it was really her tone that did me in, I felt like dying there and then. And if I hadn't felt so ashamed of my mindlessness and was trying desperately to quickly get on the floor to help out in some way, I would have ran to the toilet and cried. The second one was as bad actually. ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE, CAN’T YOU DO THIS LATER??’ EXACT SAME WORDS. Okay I’m just gonna say here what I’ve been so tempted to say. I know it’s my fault and the customer’s always right, but surely you’re cultured enough to keep your cool and not raised your voice at something that’s really quite minor? And to raise your voice at a girl probably 1/3 your age just shows your age hasn’t taught you too much about gentleness and basic manners. Oh and the chef. On Friday during dinner I was like ‘hello, about the confit chicken..’ then he was like ‘what hello, I’ve got a name okay.’, in an annoyed way. This is really quite puzzling, how is saying hello so rude that I had offended him?? Okay but he’s nice pretty much of the time and helps our bakery side when he’s got nothing to do in the kitchen so yeah, he’s nice I guess. And singcheer’s really nice too, though she REALLY REALLY scared me today and I think I’m forever gonna be a bit frightened whenever a see her.

I think fei might be right when he said ‘you know what face is that or not, it’s the I’m-sick-of-working-here face.’ Maybeee. Or maybe I’m just scared, I’ve no idea what trouble I’ll get into next you know. Perhaps on my next major screw-up, everyone’s gonna get annoyed and thing like why this girl just doesn't learn. Maybe even ann will get annoyed, maybe even fei who has been v patiently fixing all my screw-ups will get annoyed, maybe even angus who seems to never get annoyed at anything will get annoyed. KILL ME NOWWW. Ohyes and last week a dropped a knife and it almost hit a pregnant woman. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really normal??
I wish I’m closer to those people at Jones. I guess they’re close with one another since they joke around with each other so much. But most of the time I have nothing to say to them, and im so afraid that I’ll get scolded for standing around and talking I just avoid conversations all the time. Which makes me really miss school, or the schoolish environment. Like how you can chat on the way to lectures, meet random friends in school and just loiter around for 5 10 15 minutes to catch up. You know, conversations that actually go beyond ‘how are you?’ I think I’m really uncomfortable with distances between me and people. Okay I suck at expressing myself, but I’ll still try, though. I wish my colleagues can become my friends, like people I look forward to seeing at work, instead of a no-choice-what-i-have-to-work-with-you-so-just-be-nice-and-talk-to-you-a-bit-la kind. Like people I can play around with, people I can talk to when things don't go right, people who will tell me what’s bothering them when they look so upset, and people who will share with me their lives that’s so diff from mine, and people who will laugh at the same retarded really not v funny things that I laugh at, and people who I can hug after a horrible/ awesome day of work. And people I can hang out with after work and chill and talk. I think I just might be quite happy when school starts, being in a place with so many people of my age, surrounded by friends.

OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE YOUR BLESSINGS. KNOW THAT WHAT YOU ALR HAVE IS MORE THAN WHAT YOU’VE ASKED FOR. Lord, I’m getting sick and bored of life, what do I do?? When I work, I get upset/ bored, when I have school, I feel trapped; when I have nothing to do, I feel like dying.

Sweet as an apple pie

2010-04-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Secretly, I miss you. This sucks, shhhh, don't tell don't tell.

Go awayy

2010-03-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

One day I'll run far far away. One day you'll wake up and find that I'm no longer there. I don't wanna be your daughter anymore. After that day, I hope to be far away enough, safe enough, to think you're just a bad dream. I'll marry a good boy and set up a good family. But even then, I know I'll have to live the rest of my adult life being seen as a bad daughter. And at the back of my head, the thought of retribution will haunt me.

I have good reasons to believe I'm only thinking, only rambling on here. I've no guts, no guts at all to do what I wanna do. Especially if it's wrong.

Even if I do everything well and everything right, I know you'll still make me feel small and worthless. So I'll won't even try. I really wanna get away from you.

Sushi picnic (: (: (:

2010-02-21T08:10:00.001-08:00

amanda brenda claire debbie rachel vicky made my day todayy(: (: i almost forgot how nice it can be hanging out with sch girlss(:

Beautifull

2010-02-16T01:17:00.001-08:00

Matter of life and death.

Take me to somewhere that's beautiful.

Play pretend

2010-02-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

It's getting much better. But still, pick me up and take me away. I just want to hide someplace where nobody can find me for a long long long long time, until the world falls asleep, until everything turns good.

An Ocean and a Rock II

2010-01-31T07:39:00.001-08:00

What you at my gentle spoken friend
I lack a frame to put you in
When you're an ocean and a rock away

I feel you in the pocket of my overcoat
My fingers wrap around your words
And take the shape of games we play

I feed your words through my buttonholes
I bring them to my fingerless gloves
Green and prone to fraying

Thoughts of you warm my bones
I'm on the way, I'm on the phone
Let's get lost, me and you
An ocean and a rock is nothing to me

I am far away from where you lay
Awake the day while you fall to sleep
An ocean and a rock away

I keep you in the pockets of my dresses
And the bristles of my brushes
Spin you into my curls today

I spoon you into my coffee cup
Spin you through a delicate wash
I wear you all day
I wear you all day

This song reminds me of you, every time.

An Ocean and a Rock

2010-01-31T07:21:00.000-08:00

Inside myself I seem to be searching for something but I don't know what that thing is. Nothing falls into place, you know what I mean?

Sylviakampeirong

2010-01-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

Sylviakampeirong hope you're reading this in US and know that you're missed. Even though we don't really meet up as often as we'd like to when you're in singpore, but knowing you're so far away makes me sad.
Take care and please take shorter holidays next time!

Little Superhero Girl

2010-01-30T08:48:00.000-08:00

I miss school, so strange and pathetic, after all the ponning that I did last year. I miss even the IAs and the EEs and the boring lessons. But I guess what I really miss is having all your friends around you all the time, the company and awesome friendships and all. Like even though there's class party tmr ( I'm so tired I've NO IDEA how I'll be able to make it there) the girls can meet up and I'll prob see ann and the rest around, it's just different when you don't see them all the time like you do in school. It seems like I've forgotten how hard it used to be, all the struggles with the stupid pracs, annoying essays aft essays and 101 other things that ppl took 1 night to complete but me being the genius that I was, took 10000 hours.

I've been feeling v v strange ever since I started work, but this feeling is so new and queer I don't exactly know what is it that I'm feeling. It's part disillusionment, part hopelessness, part disappointment and part a hundred other emotions that I can't put a finger on. I know I have much to be grateful for, I should give thanks for the kids' smiles, give thanks for the love and favour, give thanks for my salary, and give thanks for friends who understand who put up with me when I snap at them after a horrible day at work. But I just don't feel grateful, you know? I feel trapped and it's as if I'm living out a jail term at work? Each and every single day just feels plain horrible, I keep counting down the number of days left till tgif, number of months I've to work for and all that. And right now, nothing, nothing at all truly gives me joy, and I get excited about almost nothing at all as wellll. It's as if work has sucked out all the life in me, something even IAs and EE didn't quite manage to do. Half way throughout conversations I'll subconsciously zone out and I'll lose interest in whatever anyone has to say, and my msn convos hardly gets past the hello how you doings. I keep thinking of rollling green hills, majestic mountains and endless australian blue skies, I hate where I'm stuck at now. I guess I might just be disappointed with myself that after all the happy thoughts during IB about really getting away and chilling out and having fun and doing what I really want to do doesn't quite match with my reality now. And maybe I'm unhappy with how much time work's taking up and how I'm not learning really as much as I had hope ( I feel nothing more than a nanny really, a fancier term teacher assistant. My job scope includes doing registration under the sun in the morning, sitting alongside the kids during lessons, make sure the playgrp kids don't cry, feed them, change diapers and clean up their shit), like how I'm not being challenged and benefiting from the job. Or maybe I'm just being silly and ungrateful. Maybe it's my mindset that needs changing, not the circumstances. I guess I'm probably learning things unconsciously, that perhaps I'm not learning things in my head but in my heart rather. I'd prayed for patience for love, and that really, God is preparing these fruit of the spirit in my heart. Maybe I'm just being refined and moulded (thanks syl this's in your words) without knowing it myself. Maybe all I need is really patience and faith to wait on Him and the kids.

It doesn't mean its never going to happen

2010-01-23T08:21:00.000-08:00

From philosophy quote in visualizeus.com

I sure as hell hope its true(:

For you

2010-01-23T07:41:00.000-08:00

“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”

BY MIRANDI JULY

Happily ever after

2010-01-23T06:49:00.001-08:00

Came across this from pleasefindthis.blogspot.com:

Some people say that love doesn't last forever.

But I've met other people. And while over the decades their bodies have forgotten the ideas of who they were, their heads remember their hearts.

Maybe they didn't love forever, just a lifetime.

But they still make liars of those people. You and I can make liars of them too.

I'm dying to find out how it must feel like to live out the happily ever after story. 'Happily ever after' not in the sense that everything just becomes a bed of roses after marriage, but more like how you stay in love with each other for half a lifetime, being each other's greatest gift from God.

In my head, it's a very beautiful notion. You return home everyday to the arms of someone you've been dying to see the entire day. You build your life together, you bring up your children together, and you grow old together. You're surrounded by so much love, it makes you giddy just thinking about it. It must be lovely, you think you're the happiest person around.

But I'm not really sure if love does last forever. I really don't see how things will work out once the passion dies. How do you stay in love forever, how do you face a person everyday for 10 years and not get sick of this person whom you used to love so much. 'Happily ever after' is more like a concept than a possibility to me, you know.

Potter's hands

2010-01-23T06:45:00.000-08:00

I think we become truly happy when we stop living for ourselves, but for something bigger than us. When you'll do everything willingly for something, when every single moment of your life counts and works towards that. For me that 'something bigger' should be Jesus, but it's not actually happening. I'm still going about day to day living for myself, my actions answerable to me and me only. God's this side activity that only pops into my mind at about 11plus every night, this being that I worship only on Saturday afternoons. For someone who has died for me, whom I confess to love with my life, whom I sang 'I'll go to the ends of the earth for You' to, that's being awfully hypocritical and ungrateful on my part. It's as if I only believe in You in my head, and You have no place in my heart. Something struck me this afternoon during worship, that by not surrending my life into His hands, I'm missing out on His purposes for my life. I'm like those rats you see in a maze, seemingly moving from one cheese to the next yet in reality they're only moving in circles, never really going anywhere. That without centring my life on Him, I'm not actually doing anything. All the studies, work, friendships, they're like nothing, you know? And I really feel that way. It's like nothing I do really makes me happy anymore.I feel as if I'm going around leading my life in this bubble, that I'm not actually living, but like a spectator watching things unfold around me from the inside of my bubble. I lovelovelove my friends, but meeting up with them doesn't exactly bring joy to my heart, it's like a routine I go through or like something I feel I ought to do lest I lose them forever. I'm really afriad I'll be like this, floating from day to day till I wake up on the last day of my life and realise that despite doing so much, I'm really not doing anything at all. It's such a scary thought. JESUS I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU HELP ME PLEASE. I don't wanna contiune floating around, living apart from you and Your purposes, missing out on Your plans.

This's a strange period of time for me, taking up a job and looking at my options for future career choices. Oh, there's so much I can talk about, chnaging the diapers for the little monsters in work, what I envision myself doing in the future, and eh my IB results. But I don't really wanna say about these so I guess I'll just end here.

Barney is a dinosaur

2010-01-11T06:48:00.000-08:00

' You can be anything in the future,' says Barney,' but whatever you decide
to be, you will always be special to me.'

I'm a superstar

2010-01-11T06:43:00.000-08:00

Miss you and hope you're doing fine, sorry I just didn't/ don't have any energy or mood to tell you that.

Sergeant Teo

2009-11-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

My dad's damn joke he's walking around the house in his army uniform from 20years ago and he just called himself Sergeant Teo.

FRIDAY

2009-11-06T00:28:00.000-08:00

It's so so so so bad.
Please can i don't do this anymore? Please please please.
How can anything hurt so bad how can anything ever be this bad ENTIRE FREAKING SECTION B TWO WHOLE MATH PAPER I WONT BE ABLE TO PASS ITS NOT SOME STUPID PRELIMS ITS THE REAL IB HOW CAN ANYONE FIND IT EASY HOW COME I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING PART TWO ECONS OUT OF POINT I DON'T WANT TO DO THOSE PAPERS ANYMORE PLEASE THISS IS WORSE THAN ANY OF THE NIGHTMARES I HAD ABOUT IB

A spoonful of sugar!

2009-10-19T10:20:00.001-07:00

A spoonful of sugar!

I'm a very sad girl

2009-10-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a very sad girl, cooping myself at home for 2 whole days attempting to study has that effect on you. I say attempting because more often that not I get so bored and restless and my brain wonders off to more exciting places that my body refuses to take it to, so basically I just stone and admire the pages of my books. Then that makes me even sadder 'cause attempts fail= I fail.

I'm freaking scared, its like 13 days left. My english is badbadbad, my chem i lose marks because of carelessness so often, and my math is just like shitshit howhow.

I want muffins heee.

Creatures of habit

2009-10-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

Creature of habits, I could fall over at the same spot 1, 2, 3, 4 , or 10 million times and still not learn my lesson.
Maybe if I try hard enough, I would be able to breathe in all the colours, so that they stay inside me.

If I had learnt anything, it was that self-pity is addictive and that if I'm completely honest with myself, sometimes I just don't wanna get happier. Perphaps I just am happier being unhappy. So strange, so pathetic.

Travel

2009-10-01T05:22:00.000-07:00

I want a time traveller for a husband.

That way I can wait, knowing full well there's someone who's perfect and that without a doubt, he'll come around in due time. Then when I do see him I'll know that he's the one, no guessing game, no what-ifs, just fireworks and unicorns and a racing heart.

Look, the Earth is spinning

2009-10-01T03:43:00.000-07:00

1. Damn it, I just stoned at home for two days straight because my awesome friends have awesome schools that have decided to give them mocks just after their prelims. There's the Alevels people stressing out and everything and I'm just dragging myself around the house and practically doing nothing for two days. I'm supposed to look through Options A of chem but obviously I can't expect too much from myself. And I'm upset with everything and I've no idea why, I can't even figure out what I'm upset about! Must be the hormones. FSH and LH and progesterone and estrogen. Or maybe it's my mind or ahh i have no idea. Eeks i hate it when I'm having holidays and no one else is. And I hate having no cash, all the pretty tops on missypixy and agirlslabel and modparade and runawaybandits and all. And I hate sounding so bitter, so angry with the entire world and I hate the fact that I'm blogging about my angst here as if it's something I should be proud of. No no no. I want to suck out all my hormones or take away the pituitary gland, then I'll have no more mood swings. Monday and Tuesday were all happy and apples and rainbows and strawberry fields. Monday was like ah-paper-3-sucks-but-whatever then had sushi buffet with Ann, watched Time Traveller's Wife with Jacq and Priscilla. We were sniffing and crying and practically in a mess after the show. I love Ann-Munching idiotic moments. ANN IF YOURE READING THIS YOU'D BETTER BE NICE TO BE OR I'LL EMCEE AT YOUR WEDDING OKAY. It's so nice talking about our future selves and stuff. 18 is an awesome age to be in. I then met up with Liqin after her work and seeing her made me :D:D:D even more. Nice conversation, and LIQIN YOU LOOKED PRETTY YAY, NICE BLUSH. Tuesday went with elizabeth to town. She's damn retarded ( she was in Isetan for barely 15minutes when she messaged me going like I found nice clothes already can you quickly come I feel like an iidiot) and a true blue shopaaholic. Hee and of course we talked about boys, and she being in such an awesome relationship enlightened me about some things. Ah I'm still kinda like mmm surely there's exception to that right? But i guess if I'm completely honest with myself what she says is undoubtly true, the very sad pathetic kind of truth. Then Chiam decided for reatrded reasons to pop up (literally) with minimal warning. We went to get a quite nice pair of sandals for him at NUM and i ended off my happy day by going back to Cotton On. On Wednesday I woke up happy and all smiling and everything seemed like sunshine and unicorns and rainbows until I saw Patthong's email. Even knowing that she meant well and stuff I couldnt help feeling upset and ended up sleeping the entire self-pity (and day) away. Then today i stayed at home and wanted to do a million and one things but ended up doing nothing. Damn damn damn.

2. Hello friends, when you see me don't ask me about what I write in here and stuff please? It's kinda embarrassing and more often than not I don't know how to answer. what am i supposed to say, like yeah sorry i was feeling kinda suicidal that day so I rambled on a little too much?

3. I've always wished that I could have cool telepathy with some nice person, and at random upsetting self-pitying moments like this the person would just call and go like Hee I knew you were waiting for me to call. That would be nice but whatever, there's always sweet messages of encouragements coming in at exactly the correct time, but not calls. I prefer messages rather than online convos! I prefer calls to messages, and I would prefer to meet you and see you and chat over a cup of coffee or walk down the streets of Orchard or cry over a movie with you, above everything else.

4. Handle with care.

Nothing's as beautiful as trying.

2009-09-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing's as beautiful as trying.

Rays of the morning sun

2009-08-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

For a point of time, I kept thinking: Even if I'm at the top of the world, crowned with the golden rays of the morning sun, grasping the stars of the dark night sky in my hands, sliding down the pretty rainbow, somehow I still won't be happy.

Go away depressing thoughts. I live better without thinking so much.
Higer SOL= Less time to think
Less time to think= higher SOL

pleasefindit.blogspot (II)

2009-08-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Look, how sad:

If you've got the time, we can play a game. It’s easy. We just see if I’m the same shape as the space you have inside you. If everything fits, we both win. If it doesn’t, don’t force it. That's how you get splinters in your heart.

Trapped;

2009-08-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

What if I'm gonna be trapped forever, and the only way to escape there is is to trap myself in my own little bubble.

Don't you see, we can never be truly free.

pleasefindthis.blogspot

2009-08-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

hee this's from pleasefindthis.blogspot:

You became what you thought everyone wanted you to be. But that's not who you are. And that's who I wish you were.

a nugget of truth that's a little too hard to stomach.

I want a magic wand.

2009-08-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

I want a magic wand, to make you and you and you appear now. And to revive my phone which is as good as dead.

It sucks to miss my friends and not be able to message them :(

I wish someone would call me right now, anyone, just to chat! Okay but for now, facebook will be my best friend.

I know for sure, that my God is real.

2009-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I know for sure, that my God is real. You'll know it too, when your prayers all come true, even those which felt so impossible while you were praying them. And you'll know it, when you feel His peace.

I've learnt, no amount of concrete evidence can convince you till you take that leap of faith.

I'm sorry

2009-07-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

They're the hardest words to utter, ever.
And I'm very very very proud of myself, that i followed Your voice, that i trusted You and that I'm after all quite a brave and obedient girl.

Tonight my dreams will be good. Honeyed dreams. I'll fall asleep smiling.

And no more breaking of hearts, I'm a good obedient girl.
Before this, obedience is definately not something I prize too much; but now I want nothing more than to be obedient, to be good and clean.

Teach me how to love

2009-07-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

'God, teach me how to love others, just like how you've loved me'
'Ah, there. Finally, you get the idea.'

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME AND ME ALONE.

Commit it all to You and I won't think about it anymore.
Everything, flirts, pimps, friends and all.

I'm okay!

2009-07-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

guys i'm really okay, and i appreciate those messgaes, encouragements a lot(:
all the most awesome people in the world are around me yes(:

I'll flollow you into the dark

2009-07-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Replyy

2009-07-05T04:50:00.000-07:00

ann: SHARE A SUBWAY AGAIN! and now, it's time to plan for our next outing on monday yes! :D thinking about it makes me :D:D:D
jiayou you too, we re MORE than halfway through this now, and more than 3/4 through ib!

yuhua: we can disappear together!(: (: okayokay? thankss huaa(:

Whoa, Kelsey

2009-07-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

Extracts from issue 5 of 2009 Broader Perspectives:

It took me some time to figure out why I was behaving this way. What we fear may
not always be apparent to us simply because the human brain is ingenious when it
comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.

But I know come next month, I am sure it is possible that I can be scared
all over again. I know this is true because of a lot of other things I
struggle
with.

THE IRONY IS OFTEN THAT WE FEAR THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE MORE THAN THE BAD,
LARGELY BECAUSE THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE MAY REVEAL WHO WE TRULY ARE AND HOW FAR
WE FALL SHORT OF IT.

Oh and the title of this article? FEAR.

That word pretty sums up my ib life in acsi. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous, more pressured or felt more hopeless in my entire life. Imagine dreaming about IAs and your teachers faces, waking up to 3 alarms ringing, and your heart pounding so quickly you’re sure it’s gonna drop out of your mouth. IB has really showed me a side of me that I’d never been aware of, and a side which even up to now, I don’t truly understand. All I can do is to come up with theories for why I’m behaving this way, why I’m feeling this way. Just like what it says above about the human brain being ingenious when it comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.
Those who had never done ib in acsi you would never know, you know. And even in acsi, most of them are so smart and gifted they have no reason to feel this way eitherrr. And neither do the rest who don’t really care. Or maybe it’s just me, worrying about the littlest thing, killing myself over every moment I’ve spent slacking. Try doing changing the title of your extended essay 4 times, doing 7 drafts. Try being the only one in class who has to redo both her tok essay and presentation. Try studying really hard and staying up worrying for a mere class test for 3 freaking weeks and still not do well for it. Try doing a bio design report for 3 whole days( means not doing any other work and spending 10 over hours on the com each day) and coming to school and listening to all your classmates discuss about cheem things they’ve included in your report that hadn’t even occurred to you. TRY CONSISTENTLY BEING AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CLASS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. IT SUCKS YOU KNOW.

It would be so much easier if I didn’t care so much or if I could just tell myself that those are just insanely gifted people whom I can never compare to. But no, there’s always this voice inside me that goes, munching you can if you try harder. Just try harder. I did, but that was last year. Some time this year I got so sick of trying, I got so tired of shooting in the dark, of looking like such a fool cos you have no reason for doing badly except eh sorry sir maybe I’m just dumber than the average in 6.5 you know? Heck, I couldn’t even make myself get out of bed to come to school . And I wasn’t being lazy you know, I was just very afraid. I imagine all the IAs and essays and work, undone, churning inside my mind. NO SHIT, IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. SOME NIGHTS I GET SO FEARFUL, I JUST SIT IN ONE CORNER AND WONDER WHY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY. WHY I CHOSE IB, WHY I FEEL AS IF IM IN A DEEP DEEP WELL, AND THAT I’LL NEVER MAKE IT UP TO THE LIGHT. I guess this kind of turned me away from God too. It always feels like He can wait, that qt isn’t quite as urgent as my ee drafts or my bio designs. That God is merciful, He will understand. But what didn’t exactly occur to me was that I needed to talk to Him, I needed this relationship with Him more than ever, that YES HE WIL GIVE ME COURAGE. But I know, if this happens all over again, it’s possible that I may choose to run away from Him all over again.

And the last extract. I guess this applies to friendships quite a bit. Do you know, if I were my friends, I won’t want to be friends with myself. I see so much insecurities and short comings I get put off too, and wonder why my friends aren’t. Maybe they just don’t really know me. You know, not the person I try to be, but the person you really are down inside. But recently I came to realise I’m a creation of God, He made me who I am, exactly the way I’m supposed to be. I’m not some accident or freak mistake or a defected human from His factory. He made me exactly the way He wanted. And no, I’m not perfect, but He’s preparing me for it; moulding and guiding me with the Holy Spirit, into the very person He has in mind. Someday I will be awfully awesome, awesome beyond my imagination, so awesome that even deep down I will too agree that I’m awesome. But for now, I’m insecure over so many things sometimes I think I should just lock myself at home, be on permanent hiatus and not go out and meet anyone else. And oh, if I walk away, it just means that I’m really scared so I just want to do it before you do. Then my logic us that if the friendship/ relationship/ whatevership means enough, whoever it is, he/she will get me back. Warped logic and very selfish but it’s a knee jerk thing. Most of the time I can’t really understand myself.

For now, good nights.

Song lyrics of the day: And I’ll swim the ocean for you/ the ocean for you/ whoa, Kelsey/ Oh you, darling

I want to disappear.

2009-07-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

I want to disappear.

Exam week

2009-07-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Don't you see, I want to go where the sky near, where you can reach out and feel the clouds. I want to roll down a grassy hill!

On monday I fell asleep on the astroturf and had a dream.
On monday I did my papers withouth sleeping the entire night.

Midyears are disgusting. I screwed up damn badly and I'm scared. The munching-youre-extremely-dumb thing is getting into me.

I didn't cry at all, not AT ALL this week. Good job, brave girl.
And I won't cry this week, I'll try.
And I won't run away either.

Munching is a very good girl.

And you, you're treading on unsafe grounds. Back off, stay away, if not I won't know what to do with you anymore. This's happened before, so I know. But I don't know how to warn you, you know?
Move on, I'm not the girl.

Let's get lost, me and you.

2009-06-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

Fly, fly, fly. I want to get away. I REALLY want to get awayyy.

Let's get lost, me and you.

Reality is bad. Go awayyyyy,

Turn on the lights

2009-06-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

I don't want to spend all my nights being so afraid, you know?

Fly from the highest swing

2009-06-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

To a field of strawberries, under the blue afternoon sky.

I had a dream,
I could fly from the highest swing.

Give me a pair of wings now. Fairy's wings. I'll put them on and fly into children's rooms and put teddies under their pillows.

Fly me to the moon.

2009-06-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Someone, kidnap me please. Steal me from the roadside, put me into your car and take me away.
I want to be anywhere else but here. I want to be doing anything other than studying.

Caffeine is NOT my best friend, I'm not supposed to wake up each morning with a pounding heart, taking in quick nervous breaths.

Put me under a night sky full of silver stars, I'll talk to them and they'll be my best friends. Let me fall asleep to the ocean's lullaby.

100 books on my head

2009-06-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

I’ll balance 100 books on my head and see how many steps I can take. I think it’s gonna be 1.

I’m that type girl who falls for a guy that appears in a dream (supermarket!), who dances Nobody Nobody But You in front of the train station outside plaza sing, who thinks her friends are much too awesome for her, who has too little of patience and self-control and too much of angst, who stays up just so she can enjoy the company of Silence dead in the night, who thinks her good friends have the bestest boyfriends possible in the world, who will be there to listen to you as long as you ask her to, who loves honey stars in milk, who used to be veryvery afraid of ghosts (but now I have God(: ), who wants to do stargazing under the Australian night sky at 4am/ Indian night sky at don’t know what time, who thinks Milky Way is a innocently beautiful name, who has trouble talking to God, who walks in the rain when shes’s sad so that 1) the lightning can strike her 2) raindrops fall with the tears, who pons school a lot because she is so very afraid, who would shave her head for ccf, who ever thought of joining the army, who ever thought of becoming an air stewardess after ib, who hates ib but is glad she chose it, who would love to thread up her honey stars into a bracelet, who loves pretty photos (like Hua’s and Tiff’s!), who doesn’t care too much about what’s happening in her family, who is an ass of a daughter, who wants to bring home a traffic light, who thinks cars cruising down the streets at night looks extremely modern and whimsical at the same time, who is hooked to msging and msning, who might possibly fall for someone who will sing to me I’m Yours, Heaven by Your Side, Top of the World, and all the Juno songs, who will marry a person who promises to open a cafe by the sea when they retire, who is afraid of big groups of people (this’s why I’m almost never at class outings), who wants to spend her whole life saving the world and making a difference, who hates the sound of vacuum cleaners because they suck (quite funny, yes?(: ), who wants to own a pink vintage car, who crashed on a mister-not-too-awesome for more than a year, who used to do cheerleading at sajc, who thinks Red Cross and God are the two most awesome things that has happened to her, who loves the stars, rainbows, mountains and morning glory, who doesn’t appreciate flowers much, who wants people to give her more books/ clothes, who is veryyy afraid of liking someone else ever again, who have nightmares about people putting her + durians + cars inside a washing machine and churning them together whenever she has fever, who wants God to appear so she can love Him properly, who is impressed by people who don’t bore her, who wants to share a subway with Ann Loh now, who is quite afraid of Tanglin Halt tomorrow, who first cried when she watched Monster Inc, who last cried because her mum didn’t let her stay over, who likes to fall asleep in the evening the golden sunlight looks awesome from my bed, who is tired of waiting.

favorite things

2009-06-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

These are my favourite things:

stars rainbows candyfloss

A Lot Like Love

2009-06-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'll be there for you/ These five words I swear to you/ When you breathe I want to be the air for you/ I'll be there for you/ I'd live and I'd die for you/ Steal the sun from the sky for you/ Words can't say what a love can do/ I'll be there for you

Heard this again in A Lot Like Love. YAYY

random picutres

2009-06-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

this reminds me of firedrills, of hentaks, of our 101 pushups, of holding up in man's pumping position on the courtyard ground, of our debriefs, of the ncos sitting in front, of trying to stuff bandages in our pockets, of " adjust, DOWN!", of " sec3 i/c Teo Mun Ching reporting ma'am," and a hundred and one other bits and pieces.

sec2 Odyssey of the Mind! joey and me were supposed to be twins hahaha.

frisbee, team games '08. they won this year.

when i went back to sajc for choir concert. ronald, esther, me, james.

.5 girls, the most awesome awesome group of girls, EVER. i go everywhere telling people, the girls in my class are amazing, i think we're the only people who don't ever bitch about each other! cross fingerrsss

.5 at bintan wow

orientation '09, unglam but whatever. i am SO SO glad danielyee was my co-ogl, HEH HEH i'm sure he and debbie are too!

prom '07 at marriott. li and syl.

vip0908, last day.

church, katerine's weddinggg.

AFTER PRATA AT SYL'S HOUSE! redcross is a bigbig blessing because of these people.

i koped this from ann, JOHOR TRIP WITH ANN AND LAV. look at the dreamy look on our faces. waiting for knight in shinning armour to approach us on one of these horses(:

supermarket guy, please?

2009-06-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight when I close my eyes, please bring supermarket guy into the castle in the air that I've built for him. It has weaved-together, pink bubble tea straws for the towers, and a fort made out of candyfloss.

I'll wake up with smiles and nothing else.

yearly cycles

2009-06-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Stupid girl, you are gonna fall are the EXACT SAME SPOT AGAIN. Maybe I have the gift of prophesy, I two months ago I said this,' I will still fall; head-first, foolishly, mindlessly.'

It happens in cycles, yearly cycles.

faith isn't gonna be easy!

2009-06-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

It's awfully awful how I would rather talk on msn with friends than to spend more time with God each day. Everytime it's God or online, it's always online. Most of the time anyway. Even worse, even when it's work or God, more often than not it's work.

I was telling Sean just now, it's so diffucult to love someone you can't see physically, you know? Like if Jesus is still here physically with me and I can run to Him (literally) when I'm upset, and just bury myself within His's warm embrace, if I can talk to Him and hear his voice overflowing with wisedom and love, if I could just hold His hands and know that these are the same hands that made the stars, heavens and mountains, IT WOULD BE EASIER.

I know nobody said faith was gonna be easy. And that faith won't be faith anymore if we can see him and know for a fact He is God. But, you know? No you don't.

friends, friends(:

2009-06-12T10:14:00.001-07:00

yesterday was good for the following reasons:

1) Imugged with lavannia ( even though i was late for 1half hours!)

2) I had tution with sylviakampeirong

3) Is met up with Angie (got ma'am, no ma'am? ) heh heh even though she's a genius, she overslpet and made this poor girl with no phone so worried. then she was like ,'uh, good owrkout lor.' the audacity(: e, it's nice how after not talking/ hardly keeping in touch since I was sec4, we could keep the conversation going for like 3 hours? i swear, we walked the entire orchard road, plus all the sleasy alleys, just so we could keep talking (my feet hurt so bad last nigght i couldnt sleep). awesome stuffs(: and to think, 5 years ago, we were Angel and Ward and I was freaking scaredd of her.

me: how come got while feather falling?
angie mm: maybee its an angeeeeel
me: er, okay. uh, do you want to wave to it?
angie mm: helloooo -looks up and waves

mmm then then i had the sweetest of dream after that. i woke up all smileees, tried going back to sleeep to contiune it but it didnt work.
sooooo sweeeeeeet.
i think i'm doomed, next time whatever it is it has to happen in a super market(: then he has to hold a sign which says " if its a yes, go to level 3. If not, just walk out."

YAY SUPERMARKET GUY.

2009-06-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

You can fold your arms and allow yourself to fall.

We'll be here to catch you.

hopes to fly

2009-06-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

Now we just wait for them to disappear.
Eventually, they all will.

You bring your hopes up, so high they lift off without a trace.
You'll never allow your hopes to fly, ever again.

2009-06-04T11:43:00.002-07:00

I was just looking through the old letters. Nothing like letters to bring you back to the old times mans. And I really have a lot to thank God for. For bringing me through all those growing pains. As a small girl I think I’d really struggled a lot. Many a times I’d really felt like there’s a giant inside me bursting to get out. That who I had wanted to be/ who I supposedly was and who I really was was really different. Like the discrepancies between all these. Like I was wearing a mask to cover the girl beneath. Yeah redcross was awesome, but I think now my God is more awesome that anything else. He really took me outta the dark. He showed me that I was created in His image, perfect in His eyes. And He showed me that I was worthy. Yet so many times, my foolish, humanly ways persuaded me to walk away from Him. I think there’s still a part of me here that’s hanging on to the past quite a bit, sorry I’ve gotta rant here cos somehow it’s still bothering me. Like there’s something unresolved, but I’m not too sure what. Fears or pent-up anger or something. I really don’t know.
I was reading through letters going like i’ve learnt a lot from you, you always smile, you cheer me up, you’re kind nice and caring, you’re cute, thankyou for inspiring me, it’s like they’re talking about someone else. I’m not sure in all those years, how much of who they see is really who I am. It feels bitter sweet. Or just bitter. HMM.
So now I surrender things into Your hands.

Stained glass Masquerade really speaks to me:

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin,
I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

2009-06-04T11:43:00.001-07:00

FIRE

2009-06-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad. Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers.

Helen Keller

cardboard love

2009-06-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

oh no, i change my mind. i still go awww over all those sugar-coated lines after all. nevermind that they're not for me, nevermind that most ppl probably say them at the heat of the moment ( where did we get the idea that good things don't last?). ah, yuhua's fault, her post reminded me of cardboardlove and now i'm addicted. i die, i'm a sucker for sweet lines. airy fairy stuffs.

I want to wrestle with you./ Today was great. I'm still smiling./ I'm here for you when you need me./ When we are together, my mind is calm and my heart feels full.

where are you been all my life?

2009-06-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

i'm sick of all those sweet, sweet catch phrases that never ever comes true for me. but this makes me go TOTALLY MAN.
http://www.cardboardlove.com/page/9/

invisible

2009-06-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes, in between all that talk,
i'll feel as if half of myself is being eaten away
and the other half is disappearing.

sometimes, i'd rather talk to myself. that way i won't feel so invisible.

2009-06-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

haha you are like a bad nightmare! but i guess thats how we all grow up. we get thrown into something, we think we'll never get outta it, but eventually we do. with cuts and bruises, but stronger. though sometimes i wonder that if i get thrown into the same situation again, will i fall exactly the same way? something tells me that i will. but but, at least now i'm awake and free from you.

you know, when i was small i used to be really scared of overhead bridges. i'd always imagined that someday they'll collaspe with me on it. or, you know the little gaps between the slabs of steps? i was always afraid that i'll fall through them. i ve always been afraid of falling. falling through, falling down, falling out.

on a happier note, i'm glad the world doesn't revolve around me.
(: (: (:
thankyou, rev john sim(:

happily ever after

2009-05-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

when i'm old, i'll setup a baking corner with the boy of my teenage dreams. we will frame and put up pictures of us around the shop. people will see them and smile. people will see and understand love.

we will bake cookies and cupcakes and waffles. we will serve the sweetest lemonade ever.

then when night falls, we'll invite friends over. we'll talk over plates of good food. we'll alwayss be happy.

when they leave, we'll hold hands and walk along the beach. we can't see them, but we'll know for sure we ve left footprints, trailing behind us. we'll talk under the milky moonlight. we'll sing all the songs we love. we'll fall asleep in hammocks, holding hands. if i wake up in the middle of the night the song from the ocean will lure me back to sleep.

happily ever after.

Redcross is first love.

2009-05-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

I miss the scrcy days, when my heart was bursting with passion. cliche, but whatever. i REALLY felt that way back then! I didnt know what I was doing all the time, but I knew that I loved everything that I was doing. I miss going all out, investing all the time and energy into something that you think is the awfully awesome.

Redcross is first love.

permanently black and blue,

2009-05-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

i'm an stupid idiot. i back away before they've even taken a step. anything for me is too close for comfort.

and and,
everytime i fell for you,
i'm permanently black and blue.
(heh, debbie's fav song as of now!)

1, 2, 3, 4

2009-05-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

1. somehow this is all too familiar. i won't let myself fall at the same spot twice.

2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!

3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.

4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.

oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.

i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.

silver linings, baby

2009-05-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

And I believe, one day we'll find the reason to everyone of those tears we'd shed.
How a bad thing can lead to something good: about the silver linings we've been told so often about.

kepp ourselves from falling

2009-05-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

this is not a happy place. i'm not coming here anymore cos it upsets me to read my own thoughts.

i'll come back when i feel better!

( we try so hard to keep ourselves from falling)

24th May 2009

2009-05-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

friday
' A timely reminder about the awesome people around me. I should be :D:D:D everyday. sillly girl, snap out of it. Stop wallowing in self pity. Look, look at the people He has blessed you with, and look, see the sun shining down on you?'

saturday
' I looked up, saw his face, and something about his look just melted me. I cried. And not for the first time, I'm not sure quite sure what made me. Something about the broken bits that's in all of us. Something about healing. Or maybe it's just 'cause so many people broke down that day so natually I did as well.'

sunday
' LI AND SYL TURNED UP AT MY PLACE, IN DRESSES.
i guess that in itself says quite a bit, doesn't it? (: '

thankyou, youall.

<3 You

2009-05-21T10:41:00.001-07:00

Please please please let me see Your majesty.
Make me fall head over heels in love with You.
Let me let go of EVERYTHING and follow You.
Allow me, every single day, to dance for You.

You You You You You.

This is a plea. I can't do this on my own, Lord.

2009-05-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

not easy, not easy.

peopleee (:

2009-05-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

thankss Yuhua for your messages and encouragements, they always make me feel better and, lighter. somehow. (: (:
and you remind me again, of what wonderful people I have around me. and of how im always taking them for granted.

2009-05-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

something in me has fizzled outttt.

sites

2009-05-17T03:23:00.000-07:00

nice, quirky sites to distract you away from bio IAs and ee and tok and revision:

http://www.isthisyourluggage.com/
http://www.100abandonedhouses.com/
http://lamebook.com/
http://failblog.org/
http://www.2leep.com/5/1/9/art/
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/death-is-milliseconds-away/10927

i missssss

2009-05-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

i miss something/ someone a lot and i dont know what/ who is it. this is bad, i wish someone would inflate me, then take a needle to poke me. then i can deflate and disappear. so that i wont feel so strange anymore, then i will know what to do with myself.
you know, like you have so mnay many emotions whirling inside but somehow, you feel hollow.

hollow hollow hollow.

you know, i miss frisbee. i miss the company. i miss youall. it sucks when everyones still playing and everyones getting awesome and acs frisbee is gettign awesome and the year 5s are so awesomely bonded and all my friends so get to hang out together on tues and fridays and i'm, i'm just not there.
today i walked past them and it felt like a million years ago that i used to train with them every tues and thurs. i thought i wont miss frisbeeeee. i thought i would be glad to like you know, let go. but still?
i miss the company. i dont like walking pass some of you and thinking, oh hanging out with you guys used to be so much fun, what happened? okay fine i know what happened, but still? i miss the awesome company. but besides tiff and lav whom i keep going like i miss you both i dont see you both anymore the rest probably dont think about me anymore.

okay now i sound like such a sad pathetic girl, phew they prob dont know this place, then i can go around school pretending im just tired.
i'm not really tired. not tired at all actually.

if you inflat me and i become a balloon, i can float around, happily ever afterrrr

pleasefindthis

2009-05-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

found this on http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/ and it makes me go like awww.

And when I asked you how you'd been I meant I missed you more than I've ever missed anything before.

let the fishes drown

2009-05-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

everysingletime.

i take a deep breath and wish that i'll stop wishing for more. really, i've got a lot more than i deserve.
let the fishes drown in the sea, elephants choke on air and let the earth forget how to rotate.

tok op week

2009-05-10T03:21:00.000-07:00

This week is truly __________. I can’t think of a suitable adjective to fill in that blank, but for right now, let’s just put it as ‘different’. 5 tests, ee for cross marking due, tok essay and tok presentation. But I won’t say that its hell because, very perversely, the tests have been quite fulfilling in that it has given me no choice but to swallow my fear, open up those books filled with complicated theories, and find that they are not so complicated after all. And most of all, tok op has taught me a lot.

Lord is awesome and I know He is here. I’m spiritually so young; I hate the way my faith is like a house built on sand. The foundation never seems to be strong enough to withstand the storms. It collapse periodically and the whole cycle of straying, returning, straying returning just keeps going on.

But anyway, my point here is that God has shown Himself to be real, and truly, ‘an ever-present help’ in times of these storms, where stress, frustrations, anguish mounts. Last Saturday at church, Jesus’ promise of finding Him if we seek Him with all our hearts came to mind. After drifting away from Him since the start of the year, I want to get back to Him once again. But this time, I want to be truly convinced of His reality. I prayed, I will seek Him as truly as I can and see if he will reveal Himself. It’s as if I’m putting God to test, testing the truth of his promise. This is not too correct, but nevertheless He had used this week to reveal Himself to me.

I thank ann (her presence itself is a gift and her encouragements helped me overcome the initial dread and fear of re-doing my entire op), rene ( he helped me come up with my KI, i would have died if ann hadn’t called him), mark (for staying and reasoning out the arguments for my KI and writing all those down so i could refer to them later on when i felt so lost), ariel ( giving me my structure! She made me feel so better about the entire thing, honestly), Amanda ( for staying back so long after Frisbee and helping me so tirelessly and reasoning out all the arguments for me while I was so hopelessly lost), lavannia ( this girl is AWESOME, we left sch at 12plus, stayed over at her place, took turns to sleep, and at 4plus am she helped me write out my script while i fell asleep quite by accident), daniel (this genius ended my agony by showing me how to use the WOKs to prove my points. and was like 'if you need any more help can just call me') Debbie ( spent the entire morning pointing out the weaknesses of my arguments, editing my script, and telling me how to ans those tough questions), Brenda ( who spent the entire chem prac lesson looking through my stuff and figuring out for me what i should do about it), and jlee ( who prayed for me and was a timely reminder of God’s presence with me through this entire ordeal).

And to end it off, ms priya came in and asked about who wants to go over to ms jacq yeo’s and maria’s class and somehow i just stood up and went over. Everything was a whole lot better because I knew the both of them. And although my op didn’t turn out to be too good, (they pointed out a lot of mistakes) i think i’m fine with it in that i wasn’t as bad as my previous one?

Ohoh, and mrs mervlyn goh’s email. She sent audrie to look for me in school on Thursday and sent me an email saying she suddenly thought of me after i looked for her for help on Monday. She was like ‘i don’t know why—must be the Holy Spirit!’ then went on to give me pointers and encouragements. At the moment she couldn’t have known that I was feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed, that twice in school in the midst of everything that came tumbling down I ran to the toilet and cried for a long time.

So yes, this is a real God and I want to forever be on His side.

He made me dumb so I couldn’t rely on my own strength but instead, trust in His providence and could receive my friends’ love and concern which i’m sure, came from Him. I thank God for friends.

2009-04-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

like I'm stuffed full of sour grapes.
you are no good.
and no, you won't know what I'm talking about.

2009-04-27T02:27:00.000-07:00

Red Cross is the second most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. It’s given me syl and li as two good friends. They were the first people that I’d ever gotten close to, the first people with whom I can sit for hours with, just talking about the most randomness and heartening of things. And, the first people I could totally trust. Like how you can be super weird and still know somehow, they’ll put up with you. Hahhahahah sorry guys, you’ve got no choice, you both are stuck with me, hopefully, for life! And now boys have entered into our lives and it’s getting amusing. Saturday tells it all, heh.

Then then, Red Cross has given me 0908 too. When I think of us, I think of washing machine. (You see, I don’t really like rojak. But the same idea is the applies.) You throw all the clothes inside, Papa’s polos, Mummy’s blouses, sister’s dresses and my oversized tees. The smelly, the not so smelly, the big the small, the pretty and the passé, and they all come out clean and good. I love our big hearts, and I love the way we put up with one another. Some of us could have been strange people slinking in one corner of the school, the kind of people who don’t get noticed too much. And I love love love the way we can still run into one another with big bear hugs and even bigger smiles even after not seeing each other for 123456789 months. I don’t even have to pretend that I’m excited to see you all again, that I like hanging out with you guys. Fact is, that I do. Sometimes, I’m still awed at how most of us can fit in so nicely into the 0908 puzzle. It’s like family. Everything feels so natural and when I’m with you guys, I feel loved.

Many many times, when good things happen, I think they’re too good to be true. Too good to belong to me.
‘It was a moment made of glass, this happiness; it was the easiest thing in the world to break.’
I need to stop things from breaking.

2009-04-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

'When you're young everything feels like the end of the world.'

Mike O'Donnell 17Again

2009-04-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

im walking in circles. round round round. like a hamster on the wheel. round round round.
everytime there's always this hope, maybe this time it'll be different. but alas, same same same.

i wish you'll reach out and pull me out.

Syl's message

2009-04-19T11:41:00.001-07:00

and sylvia didnt include her reply in her blog post. that made me grinned like an idiot in the middle of mervy's lesson while shes talking about killing off this that sl class person haha.

me: what's wrong with me?
syl: Hahaha.. what's wrong with you? Everything! Insane blueweird random and loveable! Haha.. You make me look like an idiot smiling at my phone. Haha i miss you!

there, my proclamation of love for you in the public domain right on my blog!
not too much a a compliment but the loveable part is enough to negate all the others.
i feel loved!
thankyousylviakampeirong