You give and take away

Life has been too good to me. God has showered me with blessings after blessings, I'm overwhelmed, I'm grateful, and 'happy' is an understatement. From the academics, to relationships, to 101 other things, You have been good to me.

And that's why I'm afraid. I've seen my prayers being answered, one by one. I've been seeing the blessings come one after and another, but whenever i thank God, I'm also dying to ask, 'When are You gonna take this away?' I know trials will come, I know our faith will be put to test, I know He refines and moulds His children by putting them through the fire. I know, just as He freely gives, He can also freely take away. I feel like I'm bracing myself, everyday, for that moment where everything will start tumbling downhill. That 'Job moment' where everything will be taken away, and we will learnt to praise His name in spite of everything.

There are 3 things I hold closest to my heart: studies, friends and him. In no particular order. I really don't know what I'll do if any of the 3 are taken away? And I'm frightened, all the time. Especially now when everything is still new and exciting, where I know we're going through the honeymoon period where we can spend hours and hours on the phone, and he'll still willingly send me home all the time. When will novelty gives way to mundaneness, what happens? It just scares me immensely, that one day things won't be the same anymore. Have we been wearing rose-tinted glasses? Will we really get bored of this one day? What if it's not Your plan for this to happen?

I don't know, I don't know, and I feel so silly sometimes worrying and thinking so much, but it's running and running through my head, and it needs a place to settle, so here it'll belong. I'll trust God. Trust that just as He has brought us through the highs, He'll bring us through the lows as well.

Rubbish in a bin

I'm feeling so stressed out and i don't know whyy! Whyyyyyyy. Whyyyyyyyy.
Hahahah enough of nonsense. Maybe its cos of eh eh bhbh or maybe its the south asian mids next week, or its the gem or its everything. Oh maybeee, maybeeeee.
DON'T KNOW LA THIS SUCKS A LOT.

I'm aware of how blessed I am, but but but I can still feel blessed and be stressed?? No?? Maybeeee???

Hahahhah my most retarded, thoughtless post everrr(:

Top of the world

I will trust You.

Nip and tuck

How do I tell you that I'm afraid? That it's not you, it's me. You're good and you're awesome, and I'm not good enough and that's the problem. What if one day you realise what I've always known, what if one day everything disappears, what am I going to do? When the mask falls away and we're faced with the good, bad and ugly, can we take it? I need to know why, why me. Exactly what do you see? Tell me why and I'll tell you why not. I'm nothing like the person you think I am. I've tucked the ugliness neatly away, I've polished up a new shinning exterior, it's pretty because it's nothing like the real thing.

We both saw the crack, sorry I pretended everything is okay. And until I learn a better way to hide my insecurities, I'll keep glossing over all these with a smile.

I want to go completely crazyy

More

More than I would ever dare admit.
More than I deserve.
Less of me, more of You in this please. I know we can't manage this alone; sometimes I feel like just throwing it all aside because I'm so sick of fake sweets. I know this time it'll be different because I'll be obedient to You, at all costs. So I will stop praying ' Dear God, let me know your will for my life', but instead I'll just fix my eyes on you and everything will be fine.
You couldn't have known, but I'm telling you now: it's called insecurities. Push the wrong button and we'll be stabbing each other.

Next time!

I'm scared as hell, you know. How would I know, that something supposedly so awesome can frighten me so.

Not ready, next time, next time! Maybe I'm just not ready to grow up:(