when i'm old, i'll setup a baking corner with the boy of my teenage dreams. we will frame and put up pictures of us around the shop. people will see them and smile. people will see and understand love.
we will bake cookies and cupcakes and waffles. we will serve the sweetest lemonade ever.
then when night falls, we'll invite friends over. we'll talk over plates of good food. we'll alwayss be happy.
when they leave, we'll hold hands and walk along the beach. we can't see them, but we'll know for sure we ve left footprints, trailing behind us. we'll talk under the milky moonlight. we'll sing all the songs we love. we'll fall asleep in hammocks, holding hands. if i wake up in the middle of the night the song from the ocean will lure me back to sleep.
happily ever after.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Redcross is first love.
I miss the scrcy days, when my heart was bursting with passion. cliche, but whatever. i REALLY felt that way back then! I didnt know what I was doing all the time, but I knew that I loved everything that I was doing. I miss going all out, investing all the time and energy into something that you think is the awfully awesome.
Redcross is first love.
Redcross is first love.
permanently black and blue,
i'm an stupid idiot. i back away before they've even taken a step. anything for me is too close for comfort.
and and,
everytime i fell for you,
i'm permanently black and blue.
(heh, debbie's fav song as of now!)
and and,
everytime i fell for you,
i'm permanently black and blue.
(heh, debbie's fav song as of now!)
1, 2, 3, 4
1. somehow this is all too familiar. i won't let myself fall at the same spot twice.
2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!
3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.
4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.
oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.
i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.
2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!
3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.
4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.
oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.
i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
silver linings, baby
And I believe, one day we'll find the reason to everyone of those tears we'd shed.
How a bad thing can lead to something good: about the silver linings we've been told so often about.
How a bad thing can lead to something good: about the silver linings we've been told so often about.
kepp ourselves from falling
this is not a happy place. i'm not coming here anymore cos it upsets me to read my own thoughts.
i'll come back when i feel better!
( we try so hard to keep ourselves from falling)
i'll come back when i feel better!
( we try so hard to keep ourselves from falling)
Monday, May 25, 2009
24th May 2009
friday
' A timely reminder about the awesome people around me. I should be :D:D:D everyday. sillly girl, snap out of it. Stop wallowing in self pity. Look, look at the people He has blessed you with, and look, see the sun shining down on you?'
saturday
' I looked up, saw his face, and something about his look just melted me. I cried. And not for the first time, I'm not sure quite sure what made me. Something about the broken bits that's in all of us. Something about healing. Or maybe it's just 'cause so many people broke down that day so natually I did as well.'
sunday
' LI AND SYL TURNED UP AT MY PLACE, IN DRESSES.
i guess that in itself says quite a bit, doesn't it? (: '
thankyou, youall.
' A timely reminder about the awesome people around me. I should be :D:D:D everyday. sillly girl, snap out of it. Stop wallowing in self pity. Look, look at the people He has blessed you with, and look, see the sun shining down on you?'
saturday
' I looked up, saw his face, and something about his look just melted me. I cried. And not for the first time, I'm not sure quite sure what made me. Something about the broken bits that's in all of us. Something about healing. Or maybe it's just 'cause so many people broke down that day so natually I did as well.'
sunday
' LI AND SYL TURNED UP AT MY PLACE, IN DRESSES.
i guess that in itself says quite a bit, doesn't it? (: '
thankyou, youall.
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