1, 2, 3, 4

1. somehow this is all too familiar. i won't let myself fall at the same spot twice.

2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!

3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.

4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.

oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.

i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.