Don’t ask me why, just read.

I tried thinking about what i’ve done in the past year and you know what, nothing comes to mind. Sure, if i think hard enough there were the times after Frisbee where tiff lav and i will lie under the stars (or the lack of them) to talk, listen to music, and just dream. And there’s the awesome time ann and i went over to jb and watched mama mia twice, consecutively. The theatre was so empty and we were laughing, singing out (VERY LOUDLY) and being gigglish, silly teenage girls. And yes, KNOWING GOD. 2 cor 5:17, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come.” It’s a wonderful thing, but the start of a journey which i’m still struggling through. How to put God first my life, how clean and true is my heart, how faithful am i really to Christ? I’m hardly even passed the finishing line; in fact, sometimes it seems like the passion and fizzled out and i’m walking away from where i’ve started. But today i’ve learnt what Jesus can do if you learn t put Him first, and his promise of forever filling our cup, of being our shepherd, of giving us rest and living water is true.

IB pales so much in comparison with the sc times. Oh, ask me about how i’ve spent my time there and i probably can’t stop talking. First i’ll tell you how awesome awesome awesome redcorss was, it was my first love. Even till now, nothing compares to it. Even till now, looking at the mementoes left behind as remnants of what used to be the most cherished thing in my life hurts. Of course, redcross wasn’t always great. It got really bad towards the end, so tiresome that i felt close to nothing as i passed out.

Or, ask me about sajc! I could tell you how Geraldine and i went running ever so often at every free break we could find. I could tell you about my ogl, the small funny thing who can’t seem to stop talking. Or, i could tell you about my awesome class and our DAILY class outings to minds, macs, kfc or daohui.

Passion. This wasn’t the song of my batch, but it nevertheless touches me every time i hear it.

There’s something deep within,
The fire burns inside me;
There’s something i believe in,
A dream for me to fight for.
And through it all,
Till the end of my days,
Inside i’m still the same,
The same old me.
It’s the passion,
That comes from within.

I haven’t always been like this you know. I haven’t always been the one sitting on the toilet floor, finding refuge from the torrent of stress waiting to rain down on me outside. I wasn’t always the one walking around school/class not knowing what’s happening, letting conversations flow pass me like music. I haven’t always been the one who seem to be perpetually inside her own bubble. I used to care, i used to feel and i used to love, you know. I wasn’t always so oblivious. It’s just, i can’t bother to care anymore. Nothing seems to really matter. And, i don’t know why.
Nothing bothers me anymore, and i just cry for no reason. And i don’t feel anything when i’m supposed to be sad.

I have awesome, awesome friends, thank God for them. They’re the best thing in acsi, and i know they’re the Lord’s gifts. But sometimes, i wish they’re not so—awesome. So pretty, talented, smart, popular, funny, kind, Christiany, that i feel like a tiny spot beside them. It’s ironic that i have such amazing people around me yet i’m complaining. But, you know. You know?

A friend was just telling me last week that she wants to have a boyfriend, now. And i know how that feels. Mans, how can i not know. The need to just have someone there to share your life with, what can be sweeter than this? But but, i have higher ambitions, i don’t want a boyfriend, i just wanna get married, now! I want to have husband, i wanna have many many kids, i wanna bake for them good stuff to bring in their lunch boxes, i wanna cook dishes for them, i want to tuck them into bed, i wanna sit next to them as their dad reads them bedtime stories. I want them to come home running to me for a hug. I want a family. And i wanna share my life with someone whom i know will always be there. How it feels like, to come home to the people you love to much. How it feels like, to be finally able to love your home?
And you. I still wonder, was it my imagination all along? I fell for you and now wished that i hadn’t. Thankyou, for the lesson learnt.