Little Superhero Girl

I miss school, so strange and pathetic, after all the ponning that I did last year. I miss even the IAs and the EEs and the boring lessons. But I guess what I really miss is having all your friends around you all the time, the company and awesome friendships and all. Like even though there's class party tmr ( I'm so tired I've NO IDEA how I'll be able to make it there) the girls can meet up and I'll prob see ann and the rest around, it's just different when you don't see them all the time like you do in school. It seems like I've forgotten how hard it used to be, all the struggles with the stupid pracs, annoying essays aft essays and 101 other things that ppl took 1 night to complete but me being the genius that I was, took 10000 hours.

I've been feeling v v strange ever since I started work, but this feeling is so new and queer I don't exactly know what is it that I'm feeling. It's part disillusionment, part hopelessness, part disappointment and part a hundred other emotions that I can't put a finger on. I know I have much to be grateful for, I should give thanks for the kids' smiles, give thanks for the love and favour, give thanks for my salary, and give thanks for friends who understand who put up with me when I snap at them after a horrible day at work. But I just don't feel grateful, you know? I feel trapped and it's as if I'm living out a jail term at work? Each and every single day just feels plain horrible, I keep counting down the number of days left till tgif, number of months I've to work for and all that. And right now, nothing, nothing at all truly gives me joy, and I get excited about almost nothing at all as wellll. It's as if work has sucked out all the life in me, something even IAs and EE didn't quite manage to do. Half way throughout conversations I'll subconsciously zone out and I'll lose interest in whatever anyone has to say, and my msn convos hardly gets past the hello how you doings. I keep thinking of rollling green hills, majestic mountains and endless australian blue skies, I hate where I'm stuck at now. I guess I might just be disappointed with myself that after all the happy thoughts during IB about really getting away and chilling out and having fun and doing what I really want to do doesn't quite match with my reality now. And maybe I'm unhappy with how much time work's taking up and how I'm not learning really as much as I had hope ( I feel nothing more than a nanny really, a fancier term teacher assistant. My job scope includes doing registration under the sun in the morning, sitting alongside the kids during lessons, make sure the playgrp kids don't cry, feed them, change diapers and clean up their shit), like how I'm not being challenged and benefiting from the job. Or maybe I'm just being silly and ungrateful. Maybe it's my mindset that needs changing, not the circumstances. I guess I'm probably learning things unconsciously, that perhaps I'm not learning things in my head but in my heart rather. I'd prayed for patience for love, and that really, God is preparing these fruit of the spirit in my heart. Maybe I'm just being refined and moulded (thanks syl this's in your words) without knowing it myself. Maybe all I need is really patience and faith to wait on Him and the kids.