Potter's hands

I think we become truly happy when we stop living for ourselves, but for something bigger than us. When you'll do everything willingly for something, when every single moment of your life counts and works towards that. For me that 'something bigger' should be Jesus, but it's not actually happening. I'm still going about day to day living for myself, my actions answerable to me and me only. God's this side activity that only pops into my mind at about 11plus every night, this being that I worship only on Saturday afternoons. For someone who has died for me, whom I confess to love with my life, whom I sang 'I'll go to the ends of the earth for You' to, that's being awfully hypocritical and ungrateful on my part. It's as if I only believe in You in my head, and You have no place in my heart. Something struck me this afternoon during worship, that by not surrending my life into His hands, I'm missing out on His purposes for my life. I'm like those rats you see in a maze, seemingly moving from one cheese to the next yet in reality they're only moving in circles, never really going anywhere. That without centring my life on Him, I'm not actually doing anything. All the studies, work, friendships, they're like nothing, you know? And I really feel that way. It's like nothing I do really makes me happy anymore.I feel as if I'm going around leading my life in this bubble, that I'm not actually living, but like a spectator watching things unfold around me from the inside of my bubble. I lovelovelove my friends, but meeting up with them doesn't exactly bring joy to my heart, it's like a routine I go through or like something I feel I ought to do lest I lose them forever. I'm really afriad I'll be like this, floating from day to day till I wake up on the last day of my life and realise that despite doing so much, I'm really not doing anything at all. It's such a scary thought. JESUS I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU HELP ME PLEASE. I don't wanna contiune floating around, living apart from you and Your purposes, missing out on Your plans.

This's a strange period of time for me, taking up a job and looking at my options for future career choices. Oh, there's so much I can talk about, chnaging the diapers for the little monsters in work, what I envision myself doing in the future, and eh my IB results. But I don't really wanna say about these so I guess I'll just end here.