im already holding on longer than wad i can manage. this is all. i dont want it anymore. the way it's pressing down on me, the way it is taking away who i am, i dont want it anymore. im falling back and repeating all those same mistakes. you know how scary it is, seeing history repeating itself, and not knowing wad to do. i really dont want it. take it away. it'll hurt for a while, it'll feel weird, but its okay, i know it'll pass and after that, i can get wad i truly want. yes, i ve learnt a lot a lot A LOT, i ve matured and htink so much more now. but for growing up, theres a price to pay. you take smth, you give in smth else. the price is too huge. right now, i wonder wad youve all said about it, about service, about leadership about pride about doing it from the bottom of your heart; i wonder if hteres any way all these will ever come true for me. take it away, and give me me back.