im regretting it now. the way i shouldnt have been critisizing you, magnifying you shortcomings, passing on the bucket, sterotyping you. im sorry and yes, now that im here i realise how much harder are things than what ive imagined them to be. that there a step between dreams and reality. if only to go back now, i would not have done all those and instead, cooperated. wasnt it silly. its difficult. the way we wanted to be miracle workers but ended up broken and full of angst fustrations instead. did you feel this way too. the way you know how things should be done but somehow, its outside your reach. i wish i could say its only two more weeks, but no, this a whole year ahead. how enthusiasim turns to dread. and i wonder, is it really worth all the effort im putting in. im sorry, but is it fair to me. wad ms kim said, wad ms leong said, wad ms soh said to me, why is that only all i hear. sweat shortchanged into tears and anger. wad am i looking for. ive said before, its not how much it needs me, it really simply is how much i need it.

really?

like a soldier on the battlefield, tired of all the lost battles, the way he had to keep giving himself reasons to carry on. what has he given his life to, one that he had not asked for. living not for himself, but to do what he knew he must do. who sees beneath the seeminly impertuable armour, what really lies inside, a man full of bottled-up fear, doubts and insecurity. he thinks all soldiers are supposed to be brave and its not right to break down. so he doesnt.

im already holding on longer than wad i can manage. this is all. i dont want it anymore. the way it's pressing down on me, the way it is taking away who i am, i dont want it anymore. im falling back and repeating all those same mistakes. you know how scary it is, seeing history repeating itself, and not knowing wad to do. i really dont want it. take it away. it'll hurt for a while, it'll feel weird, but its okay, i know it'll pass and after that, i can get wad i truly want. yes, i ve learnt a lot a lot A LOT, i ve matured and htink so much more now. but for growing up, theres a price to pay. you take smth, you give in smth else. the price is too huge. right now, i wonder wad youve all said about it, about service, about leadership about pride about doing it from the bottom of your heart; i wonder if hteres any way all these will ever come true for me. take it away, and give me me back.

if i tell you
it gives me all that i truly cherish now
and that it really is
my life
will you still say that im
taking it too strongly?

sometimes
just when you learn to
accept respect appreciate
its too late
a little too late

im not supposed to be blogging. but anw.

theres nothing wrong with me so yes you ppl can stop asking if im okay cos yupp, im sure i am. and thankyou for all those concerns, all my frens before i left for uk all those whom i talked to. it really helped. and all those nice ppl during uk trip. hahaha cant imagine my world without friends, like walking a tightrope with no support.

im alright, jus need time to recover and find myself and start yakking away nonstop again.

yet-who the world am i?

this is my favorite colour. say yeah. hahaha.

i suppose this's lke one of those times whereby i keep on reading other's blog and theres this urge in me to blog too.
ever felt, you dont know yourself anymore? like you knwo what others ee you as, who you used to be, and what al the quizzes say younare. but somehow, you feel, you can be so much more, you have so much more inside. they say its not you to do this and stuff, but you know you can you know you can be so much more. but other times, you know you can but you dont feel like. out of all the lousy feelings in the world, waht can be worst than this? you know you can , but you dont feel like. or you start thinking you can't.
history test's on monday. i kknow i must study, but i dont feel like. all the while, sylvias lke hurry go start! nownow, why arent i? why am i putting restrivtions on myself. i know i can. i knwo i can, when i believe, i can reach the sky.
and this's year has been really..changing? everyhting that everyone say..it sorts of lingers in my mind then i dont know wad to think anymore. shall i see the world as they do too?
youknowyouknow, im missing my old friends. all those ppl whom made up all my happyhappy times for the past two years. i get so worried thta i might loose them, but as i loose them, it seems so unreal. really, i'll give anyhting to go back. back with all of them. so many ppl left last year, with all the happy memories..all those who went to ip or graduated or jus got erased from my memories or stored at this hard-to-reach palce behind my brain.


we're doing this video for open hse to promote sc for our i&e proj. in the proccess, got to know so much more about sc and scgirls and wad others think of us. somehow, its so heartwarming. when they talk about being connected throught the spirits and stuff. i love sc. no matter where i end up, whoi become, i will be rooted with the sc values, always.