Sergeant Teo

My dad's damn joke he's walking around the house in his army uniform from 20years ago and he just called himself Sergeant Teo.

FRIDAY

It's so so so so bad.
Please can i don't do this anymore? Please please please.
How can anything hurt so bad how can anything ever be this bad ENTIRE FREAKING SECTION B TWO WHOLE MATH PAPER I WONT BE ABLE TO PASS ITS NOT SOME STUPID PRELIMS ITS THE REAL IB HOW CAN ANYONE FIND IT EASY HOW COME I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING PART TWO ECONS OUT OF POINT I DON'T WANT TO DO THOSE PAPERS ANYMORE PLEASE THISS IS WORSE THAN ANY OF THE NIGHTMARES I HAD ABOUT IB

A spoonful of sugar!

A spoonful of sugar!

I'm a very sad girl

I'm a very sad girl, cooping myself at home for 2 whole days attempting to study has that effect on you. I say attempting because more often that not I get so bored and restless and my brain wonders off to more exciting places that my body refuses to take it to, so basically I just stone and admire the pages of my books. Then that makes me even sadder 'cause attempts fail= I fail.

I'm freaking scared, its like 13 days left. My english is badbadbad, my chem i lose marks because of carelessness so often, and my math is just like shitshit howhow.

I want muffins heee.

Creatures of habit

Creature of habits, I could fall over at the same spot 1, 2, 3, 4 , or 10 million times and still not learn my lesson.
Maybe if I try hard enough, I would be able to breathe in all the colours, so that they stay inside me.

If I had learnt anything, it was that self-pity is addictive and that if I'm completely honest with myself, sometimes I just don't wanna get happier. Perphaps I just am happier being unhappy. So strange, so pathetic.

Travel

I want a time traveller for a husband.

That way I can wait, knowing full well there's someone who's perfect and that without a doubt, he'll come around in due time. Then when I do see him I'll know that he's the one, no guessing game, no what-ifs, just fireworks and unicorns and a racing heart.

Look, the Earth is spinning

1. Damn it, I just stoned at home for two days straight because my awesome friends have awesome schools that have decided to give them mocks just after their prelims. There's the Alevels people stressing out and everything and I'm just dragging myself around the house and practically doing nothing for two days. I'm supposed to look through Options A of chem but obviously I can't expect too much from myself. And I'm upset with everything and I've no idea why, I can't even figure out what I'm upset about! Must be the hormones. FSH and LH and progesterone and estrogen. Or maybe it's my mind or ahh i have no idea. Eeks i hate it when I'm having holidays and no one else is. And I hate having no cash, all the pretty tops on missypixy and agirlslabel and modparade and runawaybandits and all. And I hate sounding so bitter, so angry with the entire world and I hate the fact that I'm blogging about my angst here as if it's something I should be proud of. No no no. I want to suck out all my hormones or take away the pituitary gland, then I'll have no more mood swings. Monday and Tuesday were all happy and apples and rainbows and strawberry fields. Monday was like ah-paper-3-sucks-but-whatever then had sushi buffet with Ann, watched Time Traveller's Wife with Jacq and Priscilla. We were sniffing and crying and practically in a mess after the show. I love Ann-Munching idiotic moments. ANN IF YOURE READING THIS YOU'D BETTER BE NICE TO BE OR I'LL EMCEE AT YOUR WEDDING OKAY. It's so nice talking about our future selves and stuff. 18 is an awesome age to be in. I then met up with Liqin after her work and seeing her made me :D:D:D even more. Nice conversation, and LIQIN YOU LOOKED PRETTY YAY, NICE BLUSH. Tuesday went with elizabeth to town. She's damn retarded ( she was in Isetan for barely 15minutes when she messaged me going like I found nice clothes already can you quickly come I feel like an iidiot) and a true blue shopaaholic. Hee and of course we talked about boys, and she being in such an awesome relationship enlightened me about some things. Ah I'm still kinda like mmm surely there's exception to that right? But i guess if I'm completely honest with myself what she says is undoubtly true, the very sad pathetic kind of truth. Then Chiam decided for reatrded reasons to pop up (literally) with minimal warning. We went to get a quite nice pair of sandals for him at NUM and i ended off my happy day by going back to Cotton On. On Wednesday I woke up happy and all smiling and everything seemed like sunshine and unicorns and rainbows until I saw Patthong's email. Even knowing that she meant well and stuff I couldnt help feeling upset and ended up sleeping the entire self-pity (and day) away. Then today i stayed at home and wanted to do a million and one things but ended up doing nothing. Damn damn damn.

2. Hello friends, when you see me don't ask me about what I write in here and stuff please? It's kinda embarrassing and more often than not I don't know how to answer. what am i supposed to say, like yeah sorry i was feeling kinda suicidal that day so I rambled on a little too much?

3. I've always wished that I could have cool telepathy with some nice person, and at random upsetting self-pitying moments like this the person would just call and go like Hee I knew you were waiting for me to call. That would be nice but whatever, there's always sweet messages of encouragements coming in at exactly the correct time, but not calls. I prefer messages rather than online convos! I prefer calls to messages, and I would prefer to meet you and see you and chat over a cup of coffee or walk down the streets of Orchard or cry over a movie with you, above everything else.

4. Handle with care.

Nothing's as beautiful as trying.

Nothing's as beautiful as trying.

Rays of the morning sun

For a point of time, I kept thinking: Even if I'm at the top of the world, crowned with the golden rays of the morning sun, grasping the stars of the dark night sky in my hands, sliding down the pretty rainbow, somehow I still won't be happy.

Go away depressing thoughts. I live better without thinking so much.
Higer SOL= Less time to think
Less time to think= higher SOL

pleasefindit.blogspot (II)

Look, how sad:

If you've got the time, we can play a game. It’s easy. We just see if I’m the same shape as the space you have inside you. If everything fits, we both win. If it doesn’t, don’t force it. That's how you get splinters in your heart.

Trapped;

What if I'm gonna be trapped forever, and the only way to escape there is is to trap myself in my own little bubble.

Don't you see, we can never be truly free.

pleasefindthis.blogspot

hee this's from pleasefindthis.blogspot:

You became what you thought everyone wanted you to be. But that's not who you are. And that's who I wish you were.

a nugget of truth that's a little too hard to stomach.

I want a magic wand.

I want a magic wand, to make you and you and you appear now. And to revive my phone which is as good as dead.

It sucks to miss my friends and not be able to message them :(

I wish someone would call me right now, anyone, just to chat! Okay but for now, facebook will be my best friend.

I know for sure, that my God is real.

I know for sure, that my God is real. You'll know it too, when your prayers all come true, even those which felt so impossible while you were praying them. And you'll know it, when you feel His peace.

I've learnt, no amount of concrete evidence can convince you till you take that leap of faith.

I'm sorry

They're the hardest words to utter, ever.
And I'm very very very proud of myself, that i followed Your voice, that i trusted You and that I'm after all quite a brave and obedient girl.

Tonight my dreams will be good. Honeyed dreams. I'll fall asleep smiling.

And no more breaking of hearts, I'm a good obedient girl.
Before this, obedience is definately not something I prize too much; but now I want nothing more than to be obedient, to be good and clean.

Teach me how to love

'God, teach me how to love others, just like how you've loved me'
'Ah, there. Finally, you get the idea.'

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME AND ME ALONE.

Commit it all to You and I won't think about it anymore.
Everything, flirts, pimps, friends and all.

I'm okay!

guys i'm really okay, and i appreciate those messgaes, encouragements a lot(:
all the most awesome people in the world are around me yes(:

I'll flollow you into the dark

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Replyy

ann: SHARE A SUBWAY AGAIN! and now, it's time to plan for our next outing on monday yes! :D thinking about it makes me :D:D:D
jiayou you too, we re MORE than halfway through this now, and more than 3/4 through ib!

yuhua: we can disappear together!(: (: okayokay? thankss huaa(:

Whoa, Kelsey

Extracts from issue 5 of 2009 Broader Perspectives:

It took me some time to figure out why I was behaving this way. What we fear may
not always be apparent to us simply because the human brain is ingenious when it
comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.

But I know come next month, I am sure it is possible that I can be scared
all over again. I know this is true because of a lot of other things I
struggle
with.

THE IRONY IS OFTEN THAT WE FEAR THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE MORE THAN THE BAD,
LARGELY BECAUSE THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE MAY REVEAL WHO WE TRULY ARE AND HOW FAR
WE FALL SHORT OF IT.

Oh and the title of this article? FEAR.

That word pretty sums up my ib life in acsi. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous, more pressured or felt more hopeless in my entire life. Imagine dreaming about IAs and your teachers faces, waking up to 3 alarms ringing, and your heart pounding so quickly you’re sure it’s gonna drop out of your mouth. IB has really showed me a side of me that I’d never been aware of, and a side which even up to now, I don’t truly understand. All I can do is to come up with theories for why I’m behaving this way, why I’m feeling this way. Just like what it says above about the human brain being ingenious when it comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.
Those who had never done ib in acsi you would never know, you know. And even in acsi, most of them are so smart and gifted they have no reason to feel this way eitherrr. And neither do the rest who don’t really care. Or maybe it’s just me, worrying about the littlest thing, killing myself over every moment I’ve spent slacking. Try doing changing the title of your extended essay 4 times, doing 7 drafts. Try being the only one in class who has to redo both her tok essay and presentation. Try studying really hard and staying up worrying for a mere class test for 3 freaking weeks and still not do well for it. Try doing a bio design report for 3 whole days( means not doing any other work and spending 10 over hours on the com each day) and coming to school and listening to all your classmates discuss about cheem things they’ve included in your report that hadn’t even occurred to you. TRY CONSISTENTLY BEING AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CLASS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. IT SUCKS YOU KNOW.

It would be so much easier if I didn’t care so much or if I could just tell myself that those are just insanely gifted people whom I can never compare to. But no, there’s always this voice inside me that goes, munching you can if you try harder. Just try harder. I did, but that was last year. Some time this year I got so sick of trying, I got so tired of shooting in the dark, of looking like such a fool cos you have no reason for doing badly except eh sorry sir maybe I’m just dumber than the average in 6.5 you know? Heck, I couldn’t even make myself get out of bed to come to school . And I wasn’t being lazy you know, I was just very afraid. I imagine all the IAs and essays and work, undone, churning inside my mind. NO SHIT, IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. SOME NIGHTS I GET SO FEARFUL, I JUST SIT IN ONE CORNER AND WONDER WHY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY. WHY I CHOSE IB, WHY I FEEL AS IF IM IN A DEEP DEEP WELL, AND THAT I’LL NEVER MAKE IT UP TO THE LIGHT. I guess this kind of turned me away from God too. It always feels like He can wait, that qt isn’t quite as urgent as my ee drafts or my bio designs. That God is merciful, He will understand. But what didn’t exactly occur to me was that I needed to talk to Him, I needed this relationship with Him more than ever, that YES HE WIL GIVE ME COURAGE. But I know, if this happens all over again, it’s possible that I may choose to run away from Him all over again.

And the last extract. I guess this applies to friendships quite a bit. Do you know, if I were my friends, I won’t want to be friends with myself. I see so much insecurities and short comings I get put off too, and wonder why my friends aren’t. Maybe they just don’t really know me. You know, not the person I try to be, but the person you really are down inside. But recently I came to realise I’m a creation of God, He made me who I am, exactly the way I’m supposed to be. I’m not some accident or freak mistake or a defected human from His factory. He made me exactly the way He wanted. And no, I’m not perfect, but He’s preparing me for it; moulding and guiding me with the Holy Spirit, into the very person He has in mind. Someday I will be awfully awesome, awesome beyond my imagination, so awesome that even deep down I will too agree that I’m awesome. But for now, I’m insecure over so many things sometimes I think I should just lock myself at home, be on permanent hiatus and not go out and meet anyone else. And oh, if I walk away, it just means that I’m really scared so I just want to do it before you do. Then my logic us that if the friendship/ relationship/ whatevership means enough, whoever it is, he/she will get me back. Warped logic and very selfish but it’s a knee jerk thing. Most of the time I can’t really understand myself.

For now, good nights.

Song lyrics of the day: And I’ll swim the ocean for you/ the ocean for you/ whoa, Kelsey/ Oh you, darling

I want to disappear.

I want to disappear.

Exam week

Don't you see, I want to go where the sky near, where you can reach out and feel the clouds. I want to roll down a grassy hill!

On monday I fell asleep on the astroturf and had a dream.
On monday I did my papers withouth sleeping the entire night.

Midyears are disgusting. I screwed up damn badly and I'm scared. The munching-youre-extremely-dumb thing is getting into me.

I didn't cry at all, not AT ALL this week. Good job, brave girl.
And I won't cry this week, I'll try.
And I won't run away either.

Munching is a very good girl.

And you, you're treading on unsafe grounds. Back off, stay away, if not I won't know what to do with you anymore. This's happened before, so I know. But I don't know how to warn you, you know?
Move on, I'm not the girl.

Let's get lost, me and you.

Fly, fly, fly. I want to get away. I REALLY want to get awayyy.

Let's get lost, me and you.

Reality is bad. Go awayyyyy,

Turn on the lights

I don't want to spend all my nights being so afraid, you know?

Fly from the highest swing

To a field of strawberries, under the blue afternoon sky.

I had a dream,
I could fly from the highest swing.

Give me a pair of wings now. Fairy's wings. I'll put them on and fly into children's rooms and put teddies under their pillows.

Fly me to the moon.

Someone, kidnap me please. Steal me from the roadside, put me into your car and take me away.
I want to be anywhere else but here. I want to be doing anything other than studying.

Caffeine is NOT my best friend, I'm not supposed to wake up each morning with a pounding heart, taking in quick nervous breaths.

Put me under a night sky full of silver stars, I'll talk to them and they'll be my best friends. Let me fall asleep to the ocean's lullaby.

100 books on my head

I’ll balance 100 books on my head and see how many steps I can take. I think it’s gonna be 1.

I’m that type girl who falls for a guy that appears in a dream (supermarket!), who dances Nobody Nobody But You in front of the train station outside plaza sing, who thinks her friends are much too awesome for her, who has too little of patience and self-control and too much of angst, who stays up just so she can enjoy the company of Silence dead in the night, who thinks her good friends have the bestest boyfriends possible in the world, who will be there to listen to you as long as you ask her to, who loves honey stars in milk, who used to be veryvery afraid of ghosts (but now I have God(: ), who wants to do stargazing under the Australian night sky at 4am/ Indian night sky at don’t know what time, who thinks Milky Way is a innocently beautiful name, who has trouble talking to God, who walks in the rain when shes’s sad so that 1) the lightning can strike her 2) raindrops fall with the tears, who pons school a lot because she is so very afraid, who would shave her head for ccf, who ever thought of joining the army, who ever thought of becoming an air stewardess after ib, who hates ib but is glad she chose it, who would love to thread up her honey stars into a bracelet, who loves pretty photos (like Hua’s and Tiff’s!), who doesn’t care too much about what’s happening in her family, who is an ass of a daughter, who wants to bring home a traffic light, who thinks cars cruising down the streets at night looks extremely modern and whimsical at the same time, who is hooked to msging and msning, who might possibly fall for someone who will sing to me I’m Yours, Heaven by Your Side, Top of the World, and all the Juno songs, who will marry a person who promises to open a cafe by the sea when they retire, who is afraid of big groups of people (this’s why I’m almost never at class outings), who wants to spend her whole life saving the world and making a difference, who hates the sound of vacuum cleaners because they suck (quite funny, yes?(: ), who wants to own a pink vintage car, who crashed on a mister-not-too-awesome for more than a year, who used to do cheerleading at sajc, who thinks Red Cross and God are the two most awesome things that has happened to her, who loves the stars, rainbows, mountains and morning glory, who doesn’t appreciate flowers much, who wants people to give her more books/ clothes, who is veryyy afraid of liking someone else ever again, who have nightmares about people putting her + durians + cars inside a washing machine and churning them together whenever she has fever, who wants God to appear so she can love Him properly, who is impressed by people who don’t bore her, who wants to share a subway with Ann Loh now, who is quite afraid of Tanglin Halt tomorrow, who first cried when she watched Monster Inc, who last cried because her mum didn’t let her stay over, who likes to fall asleep in the evening the golden sunlight looks awesome from my bed, who is tired of waiting.

favorite things

These are my favourite things:

stars rainbows candyfloss

A Lot Like Love

I'll be there for you/ These five words I swear to you/ When you breathe I want to be the air for you/ I'll be there for you/ I'd live and I'd die for you/ Steal the sun from the sky for you/ Words can't say what a love can do/ I'll be there for you

Heard this again in A Lot Like Love. YAYY

random picutres

this reminds me of firedrills, of hentaks, of our 101 pushups, of holding up in man's pumping position on the courtyard ground, of our debriefs, of the ncos sitting in front, of trying to stuff bandages in our pockets, of " adjust, DOWN!", of " sec3 i/c Teo Mun Ching reporting ma'am," and a hundred and one other bits and pieces.

sec2 Odyssey of the Mind! joey and me were supposed to be twins hahaha.

frisbee, team games '08. they won this year.

when i went back to sajc for choir concert. ronald, esther, me, james.

.5 girls, the most awesome awesome group of girls, EVER. i go everywhere telling people, the girls in my class are amazing, i think we're the only people who don't ever bitch about each other! cross fingerrsss

.5 at bintan wow

orientation '09, unglam but whatever. i am SO SO glad danielyee was my co-ogl, HEH HEH i'm sure he and debbie are too!

prom '07 at marriott. li and syl.

vip0908, last day.

church, katerine's weddinggg.

AFTER PRATA AT SYL'S HOUSE! redcross is a bigbig blessing because of these people.

i koped this from ann, JOHOR TRIP WITH ANN AND LAV. look at the dreamy look on our faces. waiting for knight in shinning armour to approach us on one of these horses(:

supermarket guy, please?

Tonight when I close my eyes, please bring supermarket guy into the castle in the air that I've built for him. It has weaved-together, pink bubble tea straws for the towers, and a fort made out of candyfloss.

I'll wake up with smiles and nothing else.

yearly cycles

Stupid girl, you are gonna fall are the EXACT SAME SPOT AGAIN. Maybe I have the gift of prophesy, I two months ago I said this,' I will still fall; head-first, foolishly, mindlessly.'

It happens in cycles, yearly cycles.

faith isn't gonna be easy!

It's awfully awful how I would rather talk on msn with friends than to spend more time with God each day. Everytime it's God or online, it's always online. Most of the time anyway. Even worse, even when it's work or God, more often than not it's work.

I was telling Sean just now, it's so diffucult to love someone you can't see physically, you know? Like if Jesus is still here physically with me and I can run to Him (literally) when I'm upset, and just bury myself within His's warm embrace, if I can talk to Him and hear his voice overflowing with wisedom and love, if I could just hold His hands and know that these are the same hands that made the stars, heavens and mountains, IT WOULD BE EASIER.

I know nobody said faith was gonna be easy. And that faith won't be faith anymore if we can see him and know for a fact He is God. But, you know? No you don't.

friends, friends(:

yesterday was good for the following reasons:

1) Imugged with lavannia ( even though i was late for 1half hours!)

2) I had tution with sylviakampeirong

3) Is met up with Angie (got ma'am, no ma'am? ) heh heh even though she's a genius, she overslpet and made this poor girl with no phone so worried. then she was like ,'uh, good owrkout lor.' the audacity(: e, it's nice how after not talking/ hardly keeping in touch since I was sec4, we could keep the conversation going for like 3 hours? i swear, we walked the entire orchard road, plus all the sleasy alleys, just so we could keep talking (my feet hurt so bad last nigght i couldnt sleep). awesome stuffs(: and to think, 5 years ago, we were Angel and Ward and I was freaking scaredd of her.

me: how come got while feather falling?
angie mm: maybee its an angeeeeel
me: er, okay. uh, do you want to wave to it?
angie mm: helloooo -looks up and waves

mmm then then i had the sweetest of dream after that. i woke up all smileees, tried going back to sleeep to contiune it but it didnt work.
sooooo sweeeeeeet.
i think i'm doomed, next time whatever it is it has to happen in a super market(: then he has to hold a sign which says " if its a yes, go to level 3. If not, just walk out."

YAY SUPERMARKET GUY.

You can fold your arms and allow yourself to fall.

We'll be here to catch you.

hopes to fly

Now we just wait for them to disappear.
Eventually, they all will.

You bring your hopes up, so high they lift off without a trace.
You'll never allow your hopes to fly, ever again.

I was just looking through the old letters. Nothing like letters to bring you back to the old times mans. And I really have a lot to thank God for. For bringing me through all those growing pains. As a small girl I think I’d really struggled a lot. Many a times I’d really felt like there’s a giant inside me bursting to get out. That who I had wanted to be/ who I supposedly was and who I really was was really different. Like the discrepancies between all these. Like I was wearing a mask to cover the girl beneath. Yeah redcross was awesome, but I think now my God is more awesome that anything else. He really took me outta the dark. He showed me that I was created in His image, perfect in His eyes. And He showed me that I was worthy. Yet so many times, my foolish, humanly ways persuaded me to walk away from Him. I think there’s still a part of me here that’s hanging on to the past quite a bit, sorry I’ve gotta rant here cos somehow it’s still bothering me. Like there’s something unresolved, but I’m not too sure what. Fears or pent-up anger or something. I really don’t know.
I was reading through letters going like i’ve learnt a lot from you, you always smile, you cheer me up, you’re kind nice and caring, you’re cute, thankyou for inspiring me, it’s like they’re talking about someone else. I’m not sure in all those years, how much of who they see is really who I am. It feels bitter sweet. Or just bitter. HMM.
So now I surrender things into Your hands.

Stained glass Masquerade really speaks to me:

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin,
I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

FIRE

I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad. Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers.

Helen Keller

cardboard love

oh no, i change my mind. i still go awww over all those sugar-coated lines after all. nevermind that they're not for me, nevermind that most ppl probably say them at the heat of the moment ( where did we get the idea that good things don't last?). ah, yuhua's fault, her post reminded me of cardboardlove and now i'm addicted. i die, i'm a sucker for sweet lines. airy fairy stuffs.

I want to wrestle with you./ Today was great. I'm still smiling./ I'm here for you when you need me./ When we are together, my mind is calm and my heart feels full.

where are you been all my life?

i'm sick of all those sweet, sweet catch phrases that never ever comes true for me. but this makes me go TOTALLY MAN.
http://www.cardboardlove.com/page/9/

invisible

sometimes, in between all that talk,
i'll feel as if half of myself is being eaten away
and the other half is disappearing.

sometimes, i'd rather talk to myself. that way i won't feel so invisible.

haha you are like a bad nightmare! but i guess thats how we all grow up. we get thrown into something, we think we'll never get outta it, but eventually we do. with cuts and bruises, but stronger. though sometimes i wonder that if i get thrown into the same situation again, will i fall exactly the same way? something tells me that i will. but but, at least now i'm awake and free from you.

you know, when i was small i used to be really scared of overhead bridges. i'd always imagined that someday they'll collaspe with me on it. or, you know the little gaps between the slabs of steps? i was always afraid that i'll fall through them. i ve always been afraid of falling. falling through, falling down, falling out.

on a happier note, i'm glad the world doesn't revolve around me.
(: (: (:
thankyou, rev john sim(:

happily ever after

when i'm old, i'll setup a baking corner with the boy of my teenage dreams. we will frame and put up pictures of us around the shop. people will see them and smile. people will see and understand love.

we will bake cookies and cupcakes and waffles. we will serve the sweetest lemonade ever.

then when night falls, we'll invite friends over. we'll talk over plates of good food. we'll alwayss be happy.

when they leave, we'll hold hands and walk along the beach. we can't see them, but we'll know for sure we ve left footprints, trailing behind us. we'll talk under the milky moonlight. we'll sing all the songs we love. we'll fall asleep in hammocks, holding hands. if i wake up in the middle of the night the song from the ocean will lure me back to sleep.

happily ever after.

Redcross is first love.

I miss the scrcy days, when my heart was bursting with passion. cliche, but whatever. i REALLY felt that way back then! I didnt know what I was doing all the time, but I knew that I loved everything that I was doing. I miss going all out, investing all the time and energy into something that you think is the awfully awesome.

Redcross is first love.

permanently black and blue,

i'm an stupid idiot. i back away before they've even taken a step. anything for me is too close for comfort.

and and,
everytime i fell for you,
i'm permanently black and blue.
(heh, debbie's fav song as of now!)

1, 2, 3, 4

1. somehow this is all too familiar. i won't let myself fall at the same spot twice.

2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!

3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.

4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.

oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.

i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.

silver linings, baby

And I believe, one day we'll find the reason to everyone of those tears we'd shed.
How a bad thing can lead to something good: about the silver linings we've been told so often about.

kepp ourselves from falling

this is not a happy place. i'm not coming here anymore cos it upsets me to read my own thoughts.

i'll come back when i feel better!

( we try so hard to keep ourselves from falling)

24th May 2009

friday
' A timely reminder about the awesome people around me. I should be :D:D:D everyday. sillly girl, snap out of it. Stop wallowing in self pity. Look, look at the people He has blessed you with, and look, see the sun shining down on you?'

saturday
' I looked up, saw his face, and something about his look just melted me. I cried. And not for the first time, I'm not sure quite sure what made me. Something about the broken bits that's in all of us. Something about healing. Or maybe it's just 'cause so many people broke down that day so natually I did as well.'

sunday
' LI AND SYL TURNED UP AT MY PLACE, IN DRESSES.
i guess that in itself says quite a bit, doesn't it? (: '

thankyou, youall.

<3 You

Please please please let me see Your majesty.
Make me fall head over heels in love with You.
Let me let go of EVERYTHING and follow You.
Allow me, every single day, to dance for You.

You You You You You.

This is a plea. I can't do this on my own, Lord.

not easy, not easy.

peopleee (:

thankss Yuhua for your messages and encouragements, they always make me feel better and, lighter. somehow. (: (:
and you remind me again, of what wonderful people I have around me. and of how im always taking them for granted.

something in me has fizzled outttt.

sites

nice, quirky sites to distract you away from bio IAs and ee and tok and revision:

http://www.isthisyourluggage.com/
http://www.100abandonedhouses.com/
http://lamebook.com/
http://failblog.org/
http://www.2leep.com/5/1/9/art/
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/death-is-milliseconds-away/10927

i missssss

i miss something/ someone a lot and i dont know what/ who is it. this is bad, i wish someone would inflate me, then take a needle to poke me. then i can deflate and disappear. so that i wont feel so strange anymore, then i will know what to do with myself.
you know, like you have so mnay many emotions whirling inside but somehow, you feel hollow.

hollow hollow hollow.

you know, i miss frisbee. i miss the company. i miss youall. it sucks when everyones still playing and everyones getting awesome and acs frisbee is gettign awesome and the year 5s are so awesomely bonded and all my friends so get to hang out together on tues and fridays and i'm, i'm just not there.
today i walked past them and it felt like a million years ago that i used to train with them every tues and thurs. i thought i wont miss frisbeeeee. i thought i would be glad to like you know, let go. but still?
i miss the company. i dont like walking pass some of you and thinking, oh hanging out with you guys used to be so much fun, what happened? okay fine i know what happened, but still? i miss the awesome company. but besides tiff and lav whom i keep going like i miss you both i dont see you both anymore the rest probably dont think about me anymore.

okay now i sound like such a sad pathetic girl, phew they prob dont know this place, then i can go around school pretending im just tired.
i'm not really tired. not tired at all actually.

if you inflat me and i become a balloon, i can float around, happily ever afterrrr

pleasefindthis

found this on http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/ and it makes me go like awww.

And when I asked you how you'd been I meant I missed you more than I've ever missed anything before.

let the fishes drown

everysingletime.

i take a deep breath and wish that i'll stop wishing for more. really, i've got a lot more than i deserve.
let the fishes drown in the sea, elephants choke on air and let the earth forget how to rotate.

tok op week

This week is truly­­­­­­­­­­­­­ __________. I can’t think of a suitable adjective to fill in that blank, but for right now, let’s just put it as ‘different’. 5 tests, ee for cross marking due, tok essay and tok presentation. But I won’t say that its hell because, very perversely, the tests have been quite fulfilling in that it has given me no choice but to swallow my fear, open up those books filled with complicated theories, and find that they are not so complicated after all. And most of all, tok op has taught me a lot.

Lord is awesome and I know He is here. I’m spiritually so young; I hate the way my faith is like a house built on sand. The foundation never seems to be strong enough to withstand the storms. It collapse periodically and the whole cycle of straying, returning, straying returning just keeps going on.

But anyway, my point here is that God has shown Himself to be real, and truly, ‘an ever-present help’ in times of these storms, where stress, frustrations, anguish mounts. Last Saturday at church, Jesus’ promise of finding Him if we seek Him with all our hearts came to mind. After drifting away from Him since the start of the year, I want to get back to Him once again. But this time, I want to be truly convinced of His reality. I prayed, I will seek Him as truly as I can and see if he will reveal Himself. It’s as if I’m putting God to test, testing the truth of his promise. This is not too correct, but nevertheless He had used this week to reveal Himself to me.

I thank ann (her presence itself is a gift and her encouragements helped me overcome the initial dread and fear of re-doing my entire op), rene ( he helped me come up with my KI, i would have died if ann hadn’t called him), mark (for staying and reasoning out the arguments for my KI and writing all those down so i could refer to them later on when i felt so lost), ariel ( giving me my structure! She made me feel so better about the entire thing, honestly), Amanda ( for staying back so long after Frisbee and helping me so tirelessly and reasoning out all the arguments for me while I was so hopelessly lost), lavannia ( this girl is AWESOME, we left sch at 12plus, stayed over at her place, took turns to sleep, and at 4plus am she helped me write out my script while i fell asleep quite by accident), daniel (this genius ended my agony by showing me how to use the WOKs to prove my points. and was like 'if you need any more help can just call me') Debbie ( spent the entire morning pointing out the weaknesses of my arguments, editing my script, and telling me how to ans those tough questions), Brenda ( who spent the entire chem prac lesson looking through my stuff and figuring out for me what i should do about it), and jlee ( who prayed for me and was a timely reminder of God’s presence with me through this entire ordeal).

And to end it off, ms priya came in and asked about who wants to go over to ms jacq yeo’s and maria’s class and somehow i just stood up and went over. Everything was a whole lot better because I knew the both of them. And although my op didn’t turn out to be too good, (they pointed out a lot of mistakes) i think i’m fine with it in that i wasn’t as bad as my previous one?

Ohoh, and mrs mervlyn goh’s email. She sent audrie to look for me in school on Thursday and sent me an email saying she suddenly thought of me after i looked for her for help on Monday. She was like ‘i don’t know why—must be the Holy Spirit!’ then went on to give me pointers and encouragements. At the moment she couldn’t have known that I was feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed, that twice in school in the midst of everything that came tumbling down I ran to the toilet and cried for a long time.

So yes, this is a real God and I want to forever be on His side.

He made me dumb so I couldn’t rely on my own strength but instead, trust in His providence and could receive my friends’ love and concern which i’m sure, came from Him. I thank God for friends.

like I'm stuffed full of sour grapes.
you are no good.
and no, you won't know what I'm talking about.

Red Cross is the second most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. It’s given me syl and li as two good friends. They were the first people that I’d ever gotten close to, the first people with whom I can sit for hours with, just talking about the most randomness and heartening of things. And, the first people I could totally trust. Like how you can be super weird and still know somehow, they’ll put up with you. Hahhahahah sorry guys, you’ve got no choice, you both are stuck with me, hopefully, for life! And now boys have entered into our lives and it’s getting amusing. Saturday tells it all, heh.

Then then, Red Cross has given me 0908 too. When I think of us, I think of washing machine. (You see, I don’t really like rojak. But the same idea is the applies.) You throw all the clothes inside, Papa’s polos, Mummy’s blouses, sister’s dresses and my oversized tees. The smelly, the not so smelly, the big the small, the pretty and the passé, and they all come out clean and good. I love our big hearts, and I love the way we put up with one another. Some of us could have been strange people slinking in one corner of the school, the kind of people who don’t get noticed too much. And I love love love the way we can still run into one another with big bear hugs and even bigger smiles even after not seeing each other for 123456789 months. I don’t even have to pretend that I’m excited to see you all again, that I like hanging out with you guys. Fact is, that I do. Sometimes, I’m still awed at how most of us can fit in so nicely into the 0908 puzzle. It’s like family. Everything feels so natural and when I’m with you guys, I feel loved.

Many many times, when good things happen, I think they’re too good to be true. Too good to belong to me.
‘It was a moment made of glass, this happiness; it was the easiest thing in the world to break.’
I need to stop things from breaking.

'When you're young everything feels like the end of the world.'

Mike O'Donnell 17Again

im walking in circles. round round round. like a hamster on the wheel. round round round.
everytime there's always this hope, maybe this time it'll be different. but alas, same same same.

i wish you'll reach out and pull me out.

Syl's message

and sylvia didnt include her reply in her blog post. that made me grinned like an idiot in the middle of mervy's lesson while shes talking about killing off this that sl class person haha.

me: what's wrong with me?
syl: Hahaha.. what's wrong with you? Everything! Insane blueweird random and loveable! Haha.. You make me look like an idiot smiling at my phone. Haha i miss you!

there, my proclamation of love for you in the public domain right on my blog!
not too much a a compliment but the loveable part is enough to negate all the others.
i feel loved!
thankyousylviakampeirong

Fall, baby.

what if i fall so far down that i can't pick myself up again?
what if i never stop stop falling.

no, how about a rocket? to shoot high up above the ozone layer and whatever there is, far away from all these and just. just, i dont know. spend the rest of my life floating around?

no, no.

i dont know what i want to be.

i should be glad, i should be dancing around, i should be grateful and rejoicing. i have the greatest Love of all.

but i dont feel that way.

Fluffy bunnies

i could be one of those fluffy bunnies up in the blue, blue sky.

remember in Amelie where little Amelie looked up and saw a cloud in the shape of a teddy bear?

Do shepherds allow their sheep to wander off?

Do shepherds allow their sheep to wander off? I think the sheep weeps when it wanders away from its master as well. It knows that its master is real and good, but knowledge is different from knowing.

Maybe the sheep just needs time to go off, till it think it’s worthy. Till that little darling is ready to love.

I keep a rabit inside me

I keep a rabbit inside me; it’s hopping it won’t keep still. I don’t like furs, they make me sneeze. They’re nice to look and good to feel though. Imagine a rabbit without fur. I don’t like soft toys either; they make me feel unlovable and unloving. How I gush over them one minute and discard them the next. Fickle, fickle. What if that one day only happens to girls who love soft toys, not to people like me.

Oh, party girls. Put on your pink dresses, glossy smiles and pretend you could make yourself one of them, if only you try. Give yourself away just to fit in. Stay on the track so that you’ll never get lost. So that you’ll never have to look up one day and wonder why’s everything around you such a blur. You’ll never have to feel like you’ve eaten fear and it’s stuck in your throat as a fishbone. You think you can never get rid of it. You think you’re gonna die.

I’m on a roller coaster. If I keep going on this way i’m gonna be screwed. I’ve got my head in the clouds, with rainbows and stars and birds that can fly far far away.

‘I’m a teenager, I’ve got problems!’ That’s quite funny and poignant in a way. I’m not sure in what way exactly, though.

I run long distance in my mind. It’s so tiresome I wish it’ll stop running. I don’t need to travel so far, I don’t need to escape. I just need a bubble of love and get myself trapped inside. Then all will be good and well. But bubbles burst, and all the good stuff will flow out through diffusion. From a region of higher concentration to one of lower concentration. Maybe we can try active transport. Can we make bubbles partially permeable?

Today I read through implantation. Blastocyst contains a trophoblast and blastocoel. Blastocoels looks a bit wrong to me, the spelling, I’ll go check it up later. From trophobalst an inner mass of cells develops, which eventually becomes the embryo. Endometrium, blood form the maternal arteries spurting into the blood spaces around the capillaries of the baby in the placenta.
I came from that, a ball of cells. Funny funny.

I like my mind

I like my mind; it’s such a bizarre and elegant place to spend my time in. It’s not exactly too happy a place but it’s okay, there’s so much beauty in it it’s extremely distracting.

I think of prince charming in a galloping white horse and clinking, shiny armour climbing up Eiffel to pick off a star from the night sky for me, just like how naughty boys pick apples off the apple tree in the neighbour’s garden.

I like sitting in a corner, breathing in the silence. Sometimes I’ll use the time to organise, file up, index my time. Sometimes I like to make sense of myself. Sometimes I’ll just wander along the path of pretty imagination, where I can be exactly where I want to be.

Like a bird trapped in a cage of cement/

And you know, it’s perfectly possible to get put off by someone yet still like that person a lot a lot a lot. It happens, and you know ours is a human mind that’s amusingly ironic and chaotic. Sometimes you can change that ‘amusing’ to ‘fustrating’.

I’ll like to flow down a river, sit on a window still without anyone getting all worked up thinking that I’m trying to end my life.

Sometimes I wonder how many things I’m keeping from myself. For a girl who had grown up thinking that random thoughts/ emotions should be restricted rather than celebrated, I’m not doing too badly. I’ve learnt how to take pride in my randomness. And before long, when you start verbalising your feelings/ thoughts you realise you’re not so different from those around you after all. And that’s from a girl whom in primary school, had always felt awkward and out of place. Too tall, not rich enough, doesn’t talk quickly enough, house not pretty enough. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? But at times when things happen it feels like I’m being brought back to that same, what should we call it, period of growth? I’ll feel small and insignificant. Fear will crept into my heart, what if I’ve ‘de-grown’ and won’t grow back anymore?

Have I told you, anything that brings you high will also bring you low. It’d happened twice and I’m still falling. Too high, too high. Keep from going so high the next time.
We are ungrateful people, we take our treasures for granted.

the greatest story Love has ever told.

What did I say, it’s painful to turn your back and walk away, from something you know will be awfully awesome in time to come. But somehow, it’s not for you. It’s that kind of awesomeness that eats you up inside, until you become hollow and empty, like a vase that’s all pretty but simply just for show.

It’s not giving up, it’s changing direction. Or so I say.

I will run away to Paris and stop at Eiffel where I’ll find someone who will climb right up to the top and pluck off a star from the night sky for me.

Some rich Americans, they say, have their ashes put into satellites and brought into space. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do that. It’s gonna be terribly lonely, you know. That’s why space is called space. It’s just a whole load of space and nothing else. You won’t even be any closer to the stars, to travel to the nearest star you’ll need 30 odd years travelling in the speed of light. No rocket will do that for you. Hmm. You’ll be floating alone, cold and sad. Oh, at least you’ll be in a pretty container, I suppose.

Whimsical and pretty.

“Maybe she’s waiting for someone.”
It’s entirely possible to not know who you are waiting for. It’s called faith. Or maybe it’s because the thought of being alone your entire life is too much to bear, so you convince yourself you won’t be the one drawing that bad lot. There’s gotta to be someone else with worse luck, isn’t it?
Someday I’ll put on wings and fly away, above the city lights and skyscrapers. But I won’t want to do it alone. It’s worse than dumping your ashes in space because well, in this case I happen to be alive. No wonder superheroes are such miserable people. Maybe I’ll ask tiff or ann or syl or lav to come along. But they won’t, it’s much nicer to be grounded, in a way.

So if I should visit the moon
Well, I'll dance on a moonbeam and then
I will make a wish on a star
And I'll wish I was home once again
Though I'd like to look down at the earth from above
I would miss all the places and people I love
So although I may go I'll be coming home soon
'Cause I don't want to live on the moon
No, I don't want to live on the moon

you you you you you

you you you you you,
i can show you the world, shinning shimmering splendid!
look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
i could be blue, i could be brown, i could be the violet sky.
someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
1 2 3 4 tell me that you love me more
too much candy can rot your soul!
your love puts me at the top of the world

npcc first aid duty

npcc first aid duty haha.

reatarded shot one.

retarded shot 2.

uniform shot one.

i miss vip. given a chance, i would repeat everything again, stress, fustration, fear and ALL.

ohmans, the esplanade underground dancing, the stupid remarks we make.

0908:D:D

i miss this.

how strange, is it possible that for some people the best things happen too early in their lives and they end up remincising the rest of the time?

someone please come along, and tell me this's not all.

kick some butt

one day i will stop caring for/ about you. i will stop smiling to myself cos of you. asshole, youre not worthy.
it's still that huge green-eyed monster behind me. tell it to get away, he's not even worthy of a monster like you.
i wish things had never changed.
come on, come on, let's go kick some butt.

So live like you mean itlove till you feel itit's all that we need in our livesstand on the edge with mehold back your fear and seenothing is real till it's gone

We feed the stars with our tears and fears. But they take them in and show us how we can still remain high up and shining, despite the gravity.

Despite gravity.

Did I used to be a good, obedient child? Was it that once upon a time I used to be every parent’s dream? Sweet, polite, and clever. Oh when did that change, how is it that now I’m your everyday nightmare, the source of your sad, sad tears.

I want to fly away. Blessed freedom, blessed fresh air.

I want to erase you off, pretend that you were all a mistake. All that heartbreaks and broken hopes were just well, a mistake. It was meant to be good and whole, I was meant to be your pride, to be good. I don’t wanna correct it anymore; I no longer care what happened along the way that brought this upon us. I’m tired of these that are broken and I just want out.

I’m selfish, stubborn and unworthy. Everything was given to me good and whole, I was the one who spoilt it. I’ve tried victimising myself and I used to be convinced it was all your doing, your fault. But no, it’s me. Deep down I know it’s me. I’m a liar and a heartbreaker. Someday I should be burnt, I should be thrown away.

And the thing is, I don’t even wanna try correct it anymore. I’m tired and it’s too broken. Don’t you see, it’s too broken.

One day I will find the secret passage in the air and follow it. We’ll keep making our way up, we won’t be falling anymore.

The people with folded wings

It’s a far-off country, he would say. Those people with wings keep them folded up, the wings under their suits and dresses, but at the right moment, just when they need to fly, the wings unfurl and off they go. They never drown with the ship—they lift off at the very last moment. When everyone else is sinking into the sea, there they go, up to the clouds.

Skylight Confessions by Alice Hoffman

What if I had added,’ I had trusted you with something much, much more important than that’?
Then I’ll watch your face change colour.

To walk away, leave it all behind. I had done it before, what so hard about that now?

You feel your heart break, and you know, behind your back wonderful things will be unfolding. Without you.

i think im the worst daughter in the world.

SYLVIA! I KNOW YOU’LL BE READING THIS SOMEDAY SO I THOUGHT I’LL JUST DEDICATE A POST HERE, ESPECIALLY FOR YOU. YOU KNOW HOW COOL IS IT, THAT AFTER 8 YEARS, WE’RE STILL AS AWESOME FRIEDNS AND WE VE GOTTEN CLOSER INSTEAD OF DRIFTING APART LIKE MOST FRIEDNS DO. AND IT SO COOL THAT YOU CAN READ MY BLOG AND KNOW EXACTLY WHO/ WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. YOU KNOWWHO IS MR LETTUCE, YOU KNOW WHO AND WHO LOOK SWEET TOGETHER AND YOURE ALWAYS ABLE TO FINISH OFF ALL MY SENTENCES FOR ME. YOURE AWESOME AND I’LL ALWAYS THANK GOD THAT I VE GOT YOU AS MY GOOODEST FREN.
A LOT OF LOVE, MUNCHING

Dear mister lettuce

Dear mister lettuce,

I was silly to have fallen for you. But I know it couldn’t have happened any other way. Even if the entire episode repeats itself, with me still possessing the knowledge of you as I do right now, nothing will change. I will still fall; head-first, foolishly, mindlessly.

How else would I understand when they tell me about the skipping of a heartbeat, the uncontrollable gushes when that particular object of adoration draws near? How else would I have known that something supposedly so wonderful and sweet can make a heart weep, night after night?

You’re a big, big flirt.

You’re my first crush. What a sad, painful one. Now I know why they call infatuations ‘crushes’. You literally get crushed.

Or maybe it had been my imagination all along and you didn’t mean anything at all. Maybe because I’m a girl in a boys’ school, that’s just how you treat all of us. So, I’ m just another girl, the same way in which you asked me if you’re just another one of those boys. I said no, why didn’t you believe me?

Love, munching

(P.S. I miss you terribly. Hopefully this will fade, with each passing day.)

stealing hearts

here we go again, just that this time its a little different. the previous one was awesome, and i suspect it ll be the coolest thing ive done in acsi. theyre one of the nicest i ve seen around and its so sweet to see them together!

haha, i think im a magnet for confessions of the infatuated. not infatuated with me, thank goodness, but my friends. or maybe it just cos my friends are super hot stuffs! boy and girls alike, i get so much of the 'i like her what should i do' thing its quite funnyy. i ve no complaints, its nice to see my friends through the stages of infatuation to going steady, but oh wells sometimes, just sometimes, it leaves me with a hollow feeling inside.

it just makes me wonder, how come ive never liked guys who like me. i was thinking you can put it other way too, then i realise you cant. but he came much too late i guess.

it's so sweet to get all heady thinking day and night about someone then finding out one day, that he likes you too. maybe ive to get infatuated more for it to happen. but no no, once is enough. i dont need another 10 months of foolish self-torture.

like tiff, ive often dreamt of a relationship full of fun, of one with much time spent talking under the stars, of many hours together feeling like its really heaven, of having someone's arms to fall into when i get so tired. its just in these little moments where i let my castles tower high up into the air that i long for someone. but thats wrong, and thats superficial so i should stop thinking. but something about how i d fa fallen so hard for him makes me afriad to go into it again. and something about this sticky i-dont-know-how-to-tell-him-to-go-away situaton im stuck in makes this whole thing seem like a stupid game we all play.

we ve moved on from catching to stealing. we re stealing each others hearts, and getting rid of them before we get too tiresome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhaLMotfvqg

'i wish i was rich. if i were, i will come give all the street children food, medicine, shelter, clothes, and love and affection.'

'then why were we who have everything still so greedy.'

MOON RIVER

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going
I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

what a pretty song(:

or, i could jump off from a parachute.

i want to burn, cut, stab myself.

then maybe for the first time in a long long while, i'll feel alive.

curl up under a thick, warm blanket.

hear the rain go pitter patter against the window panes.

the curtain of rain safely encloses me inside my own bubble of a world.

immerse yourself in a good story,

pretend that you're someone else.

From the March 16 ’09 issue of Times, the last line of an article titled “A tale of Two Cities” says this:

‘... a place we hear about often, but never really know.’

How about, we change it to: a person you talk to often, but never really know?

What about this: a person you talk about often, but never really know.

Aren’t we all like that, happy to sit comfortably at a corner judging, and never bothering to really get close to know our subject better? Maybe if we get to know them better we’ll probably see that they’re not as we thought they were. Maybe they’re even a little like us. If that happens we’ll have nothing left to entertain ourselves with, isn’t it?

We’re all victims of each other’s selfish little games.

Sometimes the line blurs and I don’t know if it’s just another bunch of discouraging words I should brush aside or is it a wake-up call that is worthy of reflecting through.
‘Do you still want to study, do you want to quit school?’

How did you know?

The pictures play in my mind, over and over again, distracting yet oh-so-alluring. Maybe I could run away, to some island where I’ll sit and think through exactly where I should be heading. Do you know, two years is so freaking long. Two years of assignments after assignments. You say, ‘No one is pressuring you, no one is forcing you, why aren’t you doing well?’ How much do you know? How about your’ She is so clever. She is so hardworking. You must learn from her.’ How about their ‘Do you feel like she’s so unreachable and incomparable?’ yes, I do, thanks guys. It’s a race that’s making me so sick and tired. it’s a race that’s too long, too rigorous and too competitive. I don’t feel like running anymore. I keeping taking all these little breaks, deluding myself that it’ll help prepare me to go on faster later on, yet I know they don’t help at all. They leave me guilt-ridden, regretful, as I look at the list of undone work. And even more so as I look at how everyone else is speeding ahead. 7/60 for math. 30/60 for bio. Awesome, munching.
I remember how it was like feeling excited to do work. Maybe that’s just got to do with my insecurities as a little girl. Work has always been the only thing that I can really do, the only way to make them all take notice of me. I pushed forward with the mindset that once I show that how smart I can be with my grades, maybe they’ll start thinking differently about me. Maybe I’ll feel worthy. I don’t know how I survived those many, many years with so much insecurities. I don’t know how I managed to put up with a world that seemed so discouraging, so disapproving of just a small girl who’d been trying her best. Though I don’t remember now, but there must have been some saving grace in my life, so ray of hope I clinged on to as I grew up. I remember being very upset; I remember dreading all my piano and ballet lessons. But I remember loving my abacus lessons, the only times besides school where people actually think well of me, heaping me with praises like ‘what a self-motivated child.’, ‘oh, so clever, you’re already at grade 2?’ oh, and Chinese tuition too, where the teacher will always read out my essays to the entire class. I vividly remember myself glowing. Do you see the difference a little encouragement makes to a child? I hope I don’t ever forget this, to encourage and support my kids every step of the way as they grow up. I won’t leave them out alone, insecure and frightened. Well, but ultimately I pulled through them didn’t I? I’m still talent-less, I’m still insecure sometimes, but at least now I know I’m loved.

The irony of that, do you really love me?

And, who are you really? How is it that after living with you for 18 years I still feel like I hardly know you at all? Why do you keep belting out all the most vehement of things to say about him, behind his back, in front of me? What game are you playing and am I a pawn in your hands. You’re shrewd and you scare me. I’ll contain myself inside a bubble, stop trying to break through with your tears. It’s no use, I’m too numb to it all. Oh heck, who am I trying to kid, you make me cry so much and you make me feel like i’m the worst person in the whole wide world, just because I take after him instead of you. What if, I’m mistaken. What if I’m the one at wrong all along and you’re just misunderstood. What if I’m the foolish one intentionally breaking your heart again and again.

The thing about kids is that they’re so fresh and full of hope. You see a big heart inside all of them. You see so much potential for growth. But sometimes I look at them and feel so, because they won’t remain kids for too long. They will grow up, like I am now, and allow the selfishness and gloominess of the outside world to seep into their hearts. Babies never give up. They fall down, they get up again and keep trying. Maybe giving up is an alternative we came up with, maybe it was never meant to exist. When I was much smaller, it had never occurred to me that I could choose to give up. In my mind, moving forward is the only way to go. I didn’t have to psycho myself; I didn’t have to place visual encouragements on my table. It was simply commonsense to move on. There was no other place to go.

WHAT ABOUT NOW. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THE SAME THING TOO? DON’T TELL ME IT’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT, DON’T TELL ME EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE FINE. NO, NO. YES, IT’LL EVENTUALLY BE FINE BUT I’LL LOOK BACK AND THINK HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING, IF I HAD WORKED HARDER.
TELL ME, IT’S GONNA BE REALLY TOUGH, IT’S GONNA MAKE YOU CRY AND YOU’LL FALL DOWN MANY, MANY TIMES. BUT ALL THESE SHOULD NOT STOP YOU FROM MOVING ON, YOU’VE GOT ENOUGH COURAGE, ENOUGH STRENGTH IN YOU TO GET PASS ALL OF THEM. EVERYTIME YOU FALL YOU SHOULD THINK OF HOW TO STAND UP AGAIN AND NOTHING ELSE. DON’T EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO SIT DOWN AND CRY. DON’T CRY, CELEBRATE! FOR EVERYTIME YOU FALL YOU GET AN OPPORTUNITY TO STAND UP. AND EVERYTIME YOU STAND UP YOU GET STRONGER, AND YOU BEOME A STEP CLOSER TO THE PERSON YOU ARE MEANT TO BE.

But, where does my God fit in here? I’ll pray about it.

How to you go to a school with so many talented people and still return home with a grateful heart? How do you watch games and concerts and hear about teachers talking about ‘those bright ones’ without feeling too useless to even attempt? It’s no joke, it’s hard. It’s like how every thinks being mum and staying at home to look after the kids is an easy task. That is, until they end up doing it. I’ve always thought I could do it, that I’m smart enough, hardworking enough to stay afloat. That is, until I came in.

I remember this phrase, I don’t know where I first came across it but it helped me survive the hectic secondary one year. Then later, it was randomly and very coincidentally given to me by internal com in a laminated card.

‘Perseverance never fully releases its rewards until a person refuses to quit.’

Tomorrow, I shall go to school as a braver girl.