i miss this.

how strange, is it possible that for some people the best things happen too early in their lives and they end up remincising the rest of the time?

someone please come along, and tell me this's not all.

kick some butt

one day i will stop caring for/ about you. i will stop smiling to myself cos of you. asshole, youre not worthy.
it's still that huge green-eyed monster behind me. tell it to get away, he's not even worthy of a monster like you.
i wish things had never changed.
come on, come on, let's go kick some butt.

So live like you mean itlove till you feel itit's all that we need in our livesstand on the edge with mehold back your fear and seenothing is real till it's gone

We feed the stars with our tears and fears. But they take them in and show us how we can still remain high up and shining, despite the gravity.

Despite gravity.

Did I used to be a good, obedient child? Was it that once upon a time I used to be every parent’s dream? Sweet, polite, and clever. Oh when did that change, how is it that now I’m your everyday nightmare, the source of your sad, sad tears.

I want to fly away. Blessed freedom, blessed fresh air.

I want to erase you off, pretend that you were all a mistake. All that heartbreaks and broken hopes were just well, a mistake. It was meant to be good and whole, I was meant to be your pride, to be good. I don’t wanna correct it anymore; I no longer care what happened along the way that brought this upon us. I’m tired of these that are broken and I just want out.

I’m selfish, stubborn and unworthy. Everything was given to me good and whole, I was the one who spoilt it. I’ve tried victimising myself and I used to be convinced it was all your doing, your fault. But no, it’s me. Deep down I know it’s me. I’m a liar and a heartbreaker. Someday I should be burnt, I should be thrown away.

And the thing is, I don’t even wanna try correct it anymore. I’m tired and it’s too broken. Don’t you see, it’s too broken.

One day I will find the secret passage in the air and follow it. We’ll keep making our way up, we won’t be falling anymore.

The people with folded wings

It’s a far-off country, he would say. Those people with wings keep them folded up, the wings under their suits and dresses, but at the right moment, just when they need to fly, the wings unfurl and off they go. They never drown with the ship—they lift off at the very last moment. When everyone else is sinking into the sea, there they go, up to the clouds.

Skylight Confessions by Alice Hoffman

What if I had added,’ I had trusted you with something much, much more important than that’?
Then I’ll watch your face change colour.

To walk away, leave it all behind. I had done it before, what so hard about that now?

You feel your heart break, and you know, behind your back wonderful things will be unfolding. Without you.

i think im the worst daughter in the world.

SYLVIA! I KNOW YOU’LL BE READING THIS SOMEDAY SO I THOUGHT I’LL JUST DEDICATE A POST HERE, ESPECIALLY FOR YOU. YOU KNOW HOW COOL IS IT, THAT AFTER 8 YEARS, WE’RE STILL AS AWESOME FRIEDNS AND WE VE GOTTEN CLOSER INSTEAD OF DRIFTING APART LIKE MOST FRIEDNS DO. AND IT SO COOL THAT YOU CAN READ MY BLOG AND KNOW EXACTLY WHO/ WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. YOU KNOWWHO IS MR LETTUCE, YOU KNOW WHO AND WHO LOOK SWEET TOGETHER AND YOURE ALWAYS ABLE TO FINISH OFF ALL MY SENTENCES FOR ME. YOURE AWESOME AND I’LL ALWAYS THANK GOD THAT I VE GOT YOU AS MY GOOODEST FREN.
A LOT OF LOVE, MUNCHING

Dear mister lettuce

Dear mister lettuce,

I was silly to have fallen for you. But I know it couldn’t have happened any other way. Even if the entire episode repeats itself, with me still possessing the knowledge of you as I do right now, nothing will change. I will still fall; head-first, foolishly, mindlessly.

How else would I understand when they tell me about the skipping of a heartbeat, the uncontrollable gushes when that particular object of adoration draws near? How else would I have known that something supposedly so wonderful and sweet can make a heart weep, night after night?

You’re a big, big flirt.

You’re my first crush. What a sad, painful one. Now I know why they call infatuations ‘crushes’. You literally get crushed.

Or maybe it had been my imagination all along and you didn’t mean anything at all. Maybe because I’m a girl in a boys’ school, that’s just how you treat all of us. So, I’ m just another girl, the same way in which you asked me if you’re just another one of those boys. I said no, why didn’t you believe me?

Love, munching

(P.S. I miss you terribly. Hopefully this will fade, with each passing day.)

stealing hearts

here we go again, just that this time its a little different. the previous one was awesome, and i suspect it ll be the coolest thing ive done in acsi. theyre one of the nicest i ve seen around and its so sweet to see them together!

haha, i think im a magnet for confessions of the infatuated. not infatuated with me, thank goodness, but my friends. or maybe it just cos my friends are super hot stuffs! boy and girls alike, i get so much of the 'i like her what should i do' thing its quite funnyy. i ve no complaints, its nice to see my friends through the stages of infatuation to going steady, but oh wells sometimes, just sometimes, it leaves me with a hollow feeling inside.

it just makes me wonder, how come ive never liked guys who like me. i was thinking you can put it other way too, then i realise you cant. but he came much too late i guess.

it's so sweet to get all heady thinking day and night about someone then finding out one day, that he likes you too. maybe ive to get infatuated more for it to happen. but no no, once is enough. i dont need another 10 months of foolish self-torture.

like tiff, ive often dreamt of a relationship full of fun, of one with much time spent talking under the stars, of many hours together feeling like its really heaven, of having someone's arms to fall into when i get so tired. its just in these little moments where i let my castles tower high up into the air that i long for someone. but thats wrong, and thats superficial so i should stop thinking. but something about how i d fa fallen so hard for him makes me afriad to go into it again. and something about this sticky i-dont-know-how-to-tell-him-to-go-away situaton im stuck in makes this whole thing seem like a stupid game we all play.

we ve moved on from catching to stealing. we re stealing each others hearts, and getting rid of them before we get too tiresome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhaLMotfvqg

'i wish i was rich. if i were, i will come give all the street children food, medicine, shelter, clothes, and love and affection.'

'then why were we who have everything still so greedy.'

MOON RIVER

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going
I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

what a pretty song(:

or, i could jump off from a parachute.

i want to burn, cut, stab myself.

then maybe for the first time in a long long while, i'll feel alive.

curl up under a thick, warm blanket.

hear the rain go pitter patter against the window panes.

the curtain of rain safely encloses me inside my own bubble of a world.

immerse yourself in a good story,

pretend that you're someone else.

From the March 16 ’09 issue of Times, the last line of an article titled “A tale of Two Cities” says this:

‘... a place we hear about often, but never really know.’

How about, we change it to: a person you talk to often, but never really know?

What about this: a person you talk about often, but never really know.

Aren’t we all like that, happy to sit comfortably at a corner judging, and never bothering to really get close to know our subject better? Maybe if we get to know them better we’ll probably see that they’re not as we thought they were. Maybe they’re even a little like us. If that happens we’ll have nothing left to entertain ourselves with, isn’t it?

We’re all victims of each other’s selfish little games.

Sometimes the line blurs and I don’t know if it’s just another bunch of discouraging words I should brush aside or is it a wake-up call that is worthy of reflecting through.
‘Do you still want to study, do you want to quit school?’

How did you know?

The pictures play in my mind, over and over again, distracting yet oh-so-alluring. Maybe I could run away, to some island where I’ll sit and think through exactly where I should be heading. Do you know, two years is so freaking long. Two years of assignments after assignments. You say, ‘No one is pressuring you, no one is forcing you, why aren’t you doing well?’ How much do you know? How about your’ She is so clever. She is so hardworking. You must learn from her.’ How about their ‘Do you feel like she’s so unreachable and incomparable?’ yes, I do, thanks guys. It’s a race that’s making me so sick and tired. it’s a race that’s too long, too rigorous and too competitive. I don’t feel like running anymore. I keeping taking all these little breaks, deluding myself that it’ll help prepare me to go on faster later on, yet I know they don’t help at all. They leave me guilt-ridden, regretful, as I look at the list of undone work. And even more so as I look at how everyone else is speeding ahead. 7/60 for math. 30/60 for bio. Awesome, munching.
I remember how it was like feeling excited to do work. Maybe that’s just got to do with my insecurities as a little girl. Work has always been the only thing that I can really do, the only way to make them all take notice of me. I pushed forward with the mindset that once I show that how smart I can be with my grades, maybe they’ll start thinking differently about me. Maybe I’ll feel worthy. I don’t know how I survived those many, many years with so much insecurities. I don’t know how I managed to put up with a world that seemed so discouraging, so disapproving of just a small girl who’d been trying her best. Though I don’t remember now, but there must have been some saving grace in my life, so ray of hope I clinged on to as I grew up. I remember being very upset; I remember dreading all my piano and ballet lessons. But I remember loving my abacus lessons, the only times besides school where people actually think well of me, heaping me with praises like ‘what a self-motivated child.’, ‘oh, so clever, you’re already at grade 2?’ oh, and Chinese tuition too, where the teacher will always read out my essays to the entire class. I vividly remember myself glowing. Do you see the difference a little encouragement makes to a child? I hope I don’t ever forget this, to encourage and support my kids every step of the way as they grow up. I won’t leave them out alone, insecure and frightened. Well, but ultimately I pulled through them didn’t I? I’m still talent-less, I’m still insecure sometimes, but at least now I know I’m loved.

The irony of that, do you really love me?

And, who are you really? How is it that after living with you for 18 years I still feel like I hardly know you at all? Why do you keep belting out all the most vehement of things to say about him, behind his back, in front of me? What game are you playing and am I a pawn in your hands. You’re shrewd and you scare me. I’ll contain myself inside a bubble, stop trying to break through with your tears. It’s no use, I’m too numb to it all. Oh heck, who am I trying to kid, you make me cry so much and you make me feel like i’m the worst person in the whole wide world, just because I take after him instead of you. What if, I’m mistaken. What if I’m the one at wrong all along and you’re just misunderstood. What if I’m the foolish one intentionally breaking your heart again and again.

The thing about kids is that they’re so fresh and full of hope. You see a big heart inside all of them. You see so much potential for growth. But sometimes I look at them and feel so, because they won’t remain kids for too long. They will grow up, like I am now, and allow the selfishness and gloominess of the outside world to seep into their hearts. Babies never give up. They fall down, they get up again and keep trying. Maybe giving up is an alternative we came up with, maybe it was never meant to exist. When I was much smaller, it had never occurred to me that I could choose to give up. In my mind, moving forward is the only way to go. I didn’t have to psycho myself; I didn’t have to place visual encouragements on my table. It was simply commonsense to move on. There was no other place to go.

WHAT ABOUT NOW. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THE SAME THING TOO? DON’T TELL ME IT’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT, DON’T TELL ME EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE FINE. NO, NO. YES, IT’LL EVENTUALLY BE FINE BUT I’LL LOOK BACK AND THINK HOW THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING, IF I HAD WORKED HARDER.
TELL ME, IT’S GONNA BE REALLY TOUGH, IT’S GONNA MAKE YOU CRY AND YOU’LL FALL DOWN MANY, MANY TIMES. BUT ALL THESE SHOULD NOT STOP YOU FROM MOVING ON, YOU’VE GOT ENOUGH COURAGE, ENOUGH STRENGTH IN YOU TO GET PASS ALL OF THEM. EVERYTIME YOU FALL YOU SHOULD THINK OF HOW TO STAND UP AGAIN AND NOTHING ELSE. DON’T EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO SIT DOWN AND CRY. DON’T CRY, CELEBRATE! FOR EVERYTIME YOU FALL YOU GET AN OPPORTUNITY TO STAND UP. AND EVERYTIME YOU STAND UP YOU GET STRONGER, AND YOU BEOME A STEP CLOSER TO THE PERSON YOU ARE MEANT TO BE.

But, where does my God fit in here? I’ll pray about it.

How to you go to a school with so many talented people and still return home with a grateful heart? How do you watch games and concerts and hear about teachers talking about ‘those bright ones’ without feeling too useless to even attempt? It’s no joke, it’s hard. It’s like how every thinks being mum and staying at home to look after the kids is an easy task. That is, until they end up doing it. I’ve always thought I could do it, that I’m smart enough, hardworking enough to stay afloat. That is, until I came in.

I remember this phrase, I don’t know where I first came across it but it helped me survive the hectic secondary one year. Then later, it was randomly and very coincidentally given to me by internal com in a laminated card.

‘Perseverance never fully releases its rewards until a person refuses to quit.’

Tomorrow, I shall go to school as a braver girl.

and ann's right, I shouldn't compare anymore.

i'll learn to
1) count my blessings and be thankful for them
2) do my best and don't care about the rest!

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Don’t ask me why, just read.

I tried thinking about what i’ve done in the past year and you know what, nothing comes to mind. Sure, if i think hard enough there were the times after Frisbee where tiff lav and i will lie under the stars (or the lack of them) to talk, listen to music, and just dream. And there’s the awesome time ann and i went over to jb and watched mama mia twice, consecutively. The theatre was so empty and we were laughing, singing out (VERY LOUDLY) and being gigglish, silly teenage girls. And yes, KNOWING GOD. 2 cor 5:17, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come.” It’s a wonderful thing, but the start of a journey which i’m still struggling through. How to put God first my life, how clean and true is my heart, how faithful am i really to Christ? I’m hardly even passed the finishing line; in fact, sometimes it seems like the passion and fizzled out and i’m walking away from where i’ve started. But today i’ve learnt what Jesus can do if you learn t put Him first, and his promise of forever filling our cup, of being our shepherd, of giving us rest and living water is true.

IB pales so much in comparison with the sc times. Oh, ask me about how i’ve spent my time there and i probably can’t stop talking. First i’ll tell you how awesome awesome awesome redcorss was, it was my first love. Even till now, nothing compares to it. Even till now, looking at the mementoes left behind as remnants of what used to be the most cherished thing in my life hurts. Of course, redcross wasn’t always great. It got really bad towards the end, so tiresome that i felt close to nothing as i passed out.

Or, ask me about sajc! I could tell you how Geraldine and i went running ever so often at every free break we could find. I could tell you about my ogl, the small funny thing who can’t seem to stop talking. Or, i could tell you about my awesome class and our DAILY class outings to minds, macs, kfc or daohui.

Passion. This wasn’t the song of my batch, but it nevertheless touches me every time i hear it.

There’s something deep within,
The fire burns inside me;
There’s something i believe in,
A dream for me to fight for.
And through it all,
Till the end of my days,
Inside i’m still the same,
The same old me.
It’s the passion,
That comes from within.

I haven’t always been like this you know. I haven’t always been the one sitting on the toilet floor, finding refuge from the torrent of stress waiting to rain down on me outside. I wasn’t always the one walking around school/class not knowing what’s happening, letting conversations flow pass me like music. I haven’t always been the one who seem to be perpetually inside her own bubble. I used to care, i used to feel and i used to love, you know. I wasn’t always so oblivious. It’s just, i can’t bother to care anymore. Nothing seems to really matter. And, i don’t know why.
Nothing bothers me anymore, and i just cry for no reason. And i don’t feel anything when i’m supposed to be sad.

I have awesome, awesome friends, thank God for them. They’re the best thing in acsi, and i know they’re the Lord’s gifts. But sometimes, i wish they’re not so—awesome. So pretty, talented, smart, popular, funny, kind, Christiany, that i feel like a tiny spot beside them. It’s ironic that i have such amazing people around me yet i’m complaining. But, you know. You know?

A friend was just telling me last week that she wants to have a boyfriend, now. And i know how that feels. Mans, how can i not know. The need to just have someone there to share your life with, what can be sweeter than this? But but, i have higher ambitions, i don’t want a boyfriend, i just wanna get married, now! I want to have husband, i wanna have many many kids, i wanna bake for them good stuff to bring in their lunch boxes, i wanna cook dishes for them, i want to tuck them into bed, i wanna sit next to them as their dad reads them bedtime stories. I want them to come home running to me for a hug. I want a family. And i wanna share my life with someone whom i know will always be there. How it feels like, to come home to the people you love to much. How it feels like, to be finally able to love your home?
And you. I still wonder, was it my imagination all along? I fell for you and now wished that i hadn’t. Thankyou, for the lesson learnt.