when i'm old, i'll setup a baking corner with the boy of my teenage dreams. we will frame and put up pictures of us around the shop. people will see them and smile. people will see and understand love.
we will bake cookies and cupcakes and waffles. we will serve the sweetest lemonade ever.
then when night falls, we'll invite friends over. we'll talk over plates of good food. we'll alwayss be happy.
when they leave, we'll hold hands and walk along the beach. we can't see them, but we'll know for sure we ve left footprints, trailing behind us. we'll talk under the milky moonlight. we'll sing all the songs we love. we'll fall asleep in hammocks, holding hands. if i wake up in the middle of the night the song from the ocean will lure me back to sleep.
happily ever after.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Redcross is first love.
I miss the scrcy days, when my heart was bursting with passion. cliche, but whatever. i REALLY felt that way back then! I didnt know what I was doing all the time, but I knew that I loved everything that I was doing. I miss going all out, investing all the time and energy into something that you think is the awfully awesome.
Redcross is first love.
Redcross is first love.
permanently black and blue,
i'm an stupid idiot. i back away before they've even taken a step. anything for me is too close for comfort.
and and,
everytime i fell for you,
i'm permanently black and blue.
(heh, debbie's fav song as of now!)
and and,
everytime i fell for you,
i'm permanently black and blue.
(heh, debbie's fav song as of now!)
1, 2, 3, 4
1. somehow this is all too familiar. i won't let myself fall at the same spot twice.
2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!
3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.
4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.
oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.
i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.
2. somewhere, somehow, there's gotta be a breakthrough. then then, that'll be how i know!
3. oops what happened to my i-will-stop-coming-here thing.
4. i despise myself. coward, coward. you run away from everything. you rationalise and give self-righteous reasons to turn away. but it eats you up inside all the same. it weakens your heart, it slashes beneath your eyes, it pulls down the corner of your mouth, permanently. silly girl, stupid weakling. stand up, stand up. youre drained, and so is everyone else. 'we all have the same amount of work, munching.' you can't even get your ass off the bed to come to school. then you spend time at away telling yourself its okay, trying (futilely) to take away the guilt. what happened to you. i hardly know/ understand myself. i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know why i would rather spend my time here typing this out than to do my world lit. i don't know why i cry and wallow in self-pity so much. i don't know why i can crave for something, but get put off by it once it appears. i daydream about a night sky full of stars, abotu falling asleep to the lullaby of the ocean, of sitting by a jetty watching the sunset, of taking long walks in the beach, of scratching out a heart shpape in the sand and sleeping in it, of rolling down a green hill, of shouting form the top of a mountain, of backpacking through the streets of Mumbai and the grasslands of Tibet. i dream of a time i can throw this all aside and fly awayyyy. i can tie myself to an eagle and soar with it. i will close by eyes and be somewhere awesome in just a while. it's like how lav tiff and i played our teleport game: 'okay cross your fingers. 1, 2, 3, we teleport! okay, so guys, where are we now?' self-delusions. or coping mechanism. i think im so used to acting stupid that i'm really becoming stupid. words just flow pass me nowadays, and the ideas just don't catch on. anyway, daydreams are so much better than my dreams at night. last night i dreamt somethign about my ee, i dont remember what, just that it was really bad. the night before it was some undone work. butbut, okay no buts.
oh you know what, yesterday this kid made me laugh. in a way that i hadnt in a long, long time. for one whole minute, i could feel myself glowing, i could feel the laugher extending out, straight from my heart. the look on his eyes you know, like '(: (: the world is awesome, the sky is blue the wheels can move, the missy moon took mister sun's place, its magic. my world is magic and i cant take my eyes off it.' i gave him my hand, he took it, tilted his head, and wouldn't let go. then that little walking bundle of joy took me for a stroll down the park, before he get enchanted by the pivots and wheels in the exercise corner and forgot all about me. but oh wells, little Joy you take care. when you grow up, don't care what the otherss tell you, dont trade his pure sense of wonder for jadedness. grow up and keep this Joy in you, you little darling. you have something i've just lost, and im envious.
i've got to help myself. i've got to help myself.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
silver linings, baby
And I believe, one day we'll find the reason to everyone of those tears we'd shed.
How a bad thing can lead to something good: about the silver linings we've been told so often about.
How a bad thing can lead to something good: about the silver linings we've been told so often about.
kepp ourselves from falling
this is not a happy place. i'm not coming here anymore cos it upsets me to read my own thoughts.
i'll come back when i feel better!
( we try so hard to keep ourselves from falling)
i'll come back when i feel better!
( we try so hard to keep ourselves from falling)
Monday, May 25, 2009
24th May 2009
friday
' A timely reminder about the awesome people around me. I should be :D:D:D everyday. sillly girl, snap out of it. Stop wallowing in self pity. Look, look at the people He has blessed you with, and look, see the sun shining down on you?'
saturday
' I looked up, saw his face, and something about his look just melted me. I cried. And not for the first time, I'm not sure quite sure what made me. Something about the broken bits that's in all of us. Something about healing. Or maybe it's just 'cause so many people broke down that day so natually I did as well.'
sunday
' LI AND SYL TURNED UP AT MY PLACE, IN DRESSES.
i guess that in itself says quite a bit, doesn't it? (: '
thankyou, youall.
' A timely reminder about the awesome people around me. I should be :D:D:D everyday. sillly girl, snap out of it. Stop wallowing in self pity. Look, look at the people He has blessed you with, and look, see the sun shining down on you?'
saturday
' I looked up, saw his face, and something about his look just melted me. I cried. And not for the first time, I'm not sure quite sure what made me. Something about the broken bits that's in all of us. Something about healing. Or maybe it's just 'cause so many people broke down that day so natually I did as well.'
sunday
' LI AND SYL TURNED UP AT MY PLACE, IN DRESSES.
i guess that in itself says quite a bit, doesn't it? (: '
thankyou, youall.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
<3 You
Please please please let me see Your majesty.
Make me fall head over heels in love with You.
Let me let go of EVERYTHING and follow You.
Allow me, every single day, to dance for You.
You You You You You.
This is a plea. I can't do this on my own, Lord.
Make me fall head over heels in love with You.
Let me let go of EVERYTHING and follow You.
Allow me, every single day, to dance for You.
You You You You You.
This is a plea. I can't do this on my own, Lord.
peopleee (:
thankss Yuhua for your messages and encouragements, they always make me feel better and, lighter. somehow. (: (:
and you remind me again, of what wonderful people I have around me. and of how im always taking them for granted.
and you remind me again, of what wonderful people I have around me. and of how im always taking them for granted.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
sites
nice, quirky sites to distract you away from bio IAs and ee and tok and revision:
http://www.isthisyourluggage.com/
http://www.100abandonedhouses.com/
http://lamebook.com/
http://failblog.org/
http://www.2leep.com/5/1/9/art/
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/death-is-milliseconds-away/10927
http://www.isthisyourluggage.com/
http://www.100abandonedhouses.com/
http://lamebook.com/
http://failblog.org/
http://www.2leep.com/5/1/9/art/
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/death-is-milliseconds-away/10927
Thursday, May 14, 2009
i missssss
i miss something/ someone a lot and i dont know what/ who is it. this is bad, i wish someone would inflate me, then take a needle to poke me. then i can deflate and disappear. so that i wont feel so strange anymore, then i will know what to do with myself.
you know, like you have so mnay many emotions whirling inside but somehow, you feel hollow.
hollow hollow hollow.
you know, i miss frisbee. i miss the company. i miss youall. it sucks when everyones still playing and everyones getting awesome and acs frisbee is gettign awesome and the year 5s are so awesomely bonded and all my friends so get to hang out together on tues and fridays and i'm, i'm just not there.
today i walked past them and it felt like a million years ago that i used to train with them every tues and thurs. i thought i wont miss frisbeeeee. i thought i would be glad to like you know, let go. but still?
i miss the company. i dont like walking pass some of you and thinking, oh hanging out with you guys used to be so much fun, what happened? okay fine i know what happened, but still? i miss the awesome company. but besides tiff and lav whom i keep going like i miss you both i dont see you both anymore the rest probably dont think about me anymore.
okay now i sound like such a sad pathetic girl, phew they prob dont know this place, then i can go around school pretending im just tired.
i'm not really tired. not tired at all actually.
if you inflat me and i become a balloon, i can float around, happily ever afterrrr
you know, like you have so mnay many emotions whirling inside but somehow, you feel hollow.
hollow hollow hollow.
you know, i miss frisbee. i miss the company. i miss youall. it sucks when everyones still playing and everyones getting awesome and acs frisbee is gettign awesome and the year 5s are so awesomely bonded and all my friends so get to hang out together on tues and fridays and i'm, i'm just not there.
today i walked past them and it felt like a million years ago that i used to train with them every tues and thurs. i thought i wont miss frisbeeeee. i thought i would be glad to like you know, let go. but still?
i miss the company. i dont like walking pass some of you and thinking, oh hanging out with you guys used to be so much fun, what happened? okay fine i know what happened, but still? i miss the awesome company. but besides tiff and lav whom i keep going like i miss you both i dont see you both anymore the rest probably dont think about me anymore.
okay now i sound like such a sad pathetic girl, phew they prob dont know this place, then i can go around school pretending im just tired.
i'm not really tired. not tired at all actually.
if you inflat me and i become a balloon, i can float around, happily ever afterrrr
Monday, May 11, 2009
pleasefindthis
found this on http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/ and it makes me go like awww.
And when I asked you how you'd been I meant I missed you more than I've ever missed anything before.
let the fishes drown
everysingletime.
i take a deep breath and wish that i'll stop wishing for more. really, i've got a lot more than i deserve.
let the fishes drown in the sea, elephants choke on air and let the earth forget how to rotate.
i take a deep breath and wish that i'll stop wishing for more. really, i've got a lot more than i deserve.
let the fishes drown in the sea, elephants choke on air and let the earth forget how to rotate.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
tok op week
This week is truly __________. I can’t think of a suitable adjective to fill in that blank, but for right now, let’s just put it as ‘different’. 5 tests, ee for cross marking due, tok essay and tok presentation. But I won’t say that its hell because, very perversely, the tests have been quite fulfilling in that it has given me no choice but to swallow my fear, open up those books filled with complicated theories, and find that they are not so complicated after all. And most of all, tok op has taught me a lot.
Lord is awesome and I know He is here. I’m spiritually so young; I hate the way my faith is like a house built on sand. The foundation never seems to be strong enough to withstand the storms. It collapse periodically and the whole cycle of straying, returning, straying returning just keeps going on.
But anyway, my point here is that God has shown Himself to be real, and truly, ‘an ever-present help’ in times of these storms, where stress, frustrations, anguish mounts. Last Saturday at church, Jesus’ promise of finding Him if we seek Him with all our hearts came to mind. After drifting away from Him since the start of the year, I want to get back to Him once again. But this time, I want to be truly convinced of His reality. I prayed, I will seek Him as truly as I can and see if he will reveal Himself. It’s as if I’m putting God to test, testing the truth of his promise. This is not too correct, but nevertheless He had used this week to reveal Himself to me.
I thank ann (her presence itself is a gift and her encouragements helped me overcome the initial dread and fear of re-doing my entire op), rene ( he helped me come up with my KI, i would have died if ann hadn’t called him), mark (for staying and reasoning out the arguments for my KI and writing all those down so i could refer to them later on when i felt so lost), ariel ( giving me my structure! She made me feel so better about the entire thing, honestly), Amanda ( for staying back so long after Frisbee and helping me so tirelessly and reasoning out all the arguments for me while I was so hopelessly lost), lavannia ( this girl is AWESOME, we left sch at 12plus, stayed over at her place, took turns to sleep, and at 4plus am she helped me write out my script while i fell asleep quite by accident), daniel (this genius ended my agony by showing me how to use the WOKs to prove my points. and was like 'if you need any more help can just call me') Debbie ( spent the entire morning pointing out the weaknesses of my arguments, editing my script, and telling me how to ans those tough questions), Brenda ( who spent the entire chem prac lesson looking through my stuff and figuring out for me what i should do about it), and jlee ( who prayed for me and was a timely reminder of God’s presence with me through this entire ordeal).
And to end it off, ms priya came in and asked about who wants to go over to ms jacq yeo’s and maria’s class and somehow i just stood up and went over. Everything was a whole lot better because I knew the both of them. And although my op didn’t turn out to be too good, (they pointed out a lot of mistakes) i think i’m fine with it in that i wasn’t as bad as my previous one?
Ohoh, and mrs mervlyn goh’s email. She sent audrie to look for me in school on Thursday and sent me an email saying she suddenly thought of me after i looked for her for help on Monday. She was like ‘i don’t know why—must be the Holy Spirit!’ then went on to give me pointers and encouragements. At the moment she couldn’t have known that I was feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed, that twice in school in the midst of everything that came tumbling down I ran to the toilet and cried for a long time.
So yes, this is a real God and I want to forever be on His side.
He made me dumb so I couldn’t rely on my own strength but instead, trust in His providence and could receive my friends’ love and concern which i’m sure, came from Him. I thank God for friends.
Lord is awesome and I know He is here. I’m spiritually so young; I hate the way my faith is like a house built on sand. The foundation never seems to be strong enough to withstand the storms. It collapse periodically and the whole cycle of straying, returning, straying returning just keeps going on.
But anyway, my point here is that God has shown Himself to be real, and truly, ‘an ever-present help’ in times of these storms, where stress, frustrations, anguish mounts. Last Saturday at church, Jesus’ promise of finding Him if we seek Him with all our hearts came to mind. After drifting away from Him since the start of the year, I want to get back to Him once again. But this time, I want to be truly convinced of His reality. I prayed, I will seek Him as truly as I can and see if he will reveal Himself. It’s as if I’m putting God to test, testing the truth of his promise. This is not too correct, but nevertheless He had used this week to reveal Himself to me.
I thank ann (her presence itself is a gift and her encouragements helped me overcome the initial dread and fear of re-doing my entire op), rene ( he helped me come up with my KI, i would have died if ann hadn’t called him), mark (for staying and reasoning out the arguments for my KI and writing all those down so i could refer to them later on when i felt so lost), ariel ( giving me my structure! She made me feel so better about the entire thing, honestly), Amanda ( for staying back so long after Frisbee and helping me so tirelessly and reasoning out all the arguments for me while I was so hopelessly lost), lavannia ( this girl is AWESOME, we left sch at 12plus, stayed over at her place, took turns to sleep, and at 4plus am she helped me write out my script while i fell asleep quite by accident), daniel (this genius ended my agony by showing me how to use the WOKs to prove my points. and was like 'if you need any more help can just call me') Debbie ( spent the entire morning pointing out the weaknesses of my arguments, editing my script, and telling me how to ans those tough questions), Brenda ( who spent the entire chem prac lesson looking through my stuff and figuring out for me what i should do about it), and jlee ( who prayed for me and was a timely reminder of God’s presence with me through this entire ordeal).
And to end it off, ms priya came in and asked about who wants to go over to ms jacq yeo’s and maria’s class and somehow i just stood up and went over. Everything was a whole lot better because I knew the both of them. And although my op didn’t turn out to be too good, (they pointed out a lot of mistakes) i think i’m fine with it in that i wasn’t as bad as my previous one?
Ohoh, and mrs mervlyn goh’s email. She sent audrie to look for me in school on Thursday and sent me an email saying she suddenly thought of me after i looked for her for help on Monday. She was like ‘i don’t know why—must be the Holy Spirit!’ then went on to give me pointers and encouragements. At the moment she couldn’t have known that I was feeling so hopeless and overwhelmed, that twice in school in the midst of everything that came tumbling down I ran to the toilet and cried for a long time.
So yes, this is a real God and I want to forever be on His side.
He made me dumb so I couldn’t rely on my own strength but instead, trust in His providence and could receive my friends’ love and concern which i’m sure, came from Him. I thank God for friends.
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