They're the hardest words to utter, ever.
And I'm very very very proud of myself, that i followed Your voice, that i trusted You and that I'm after all quite a brave and obedient girl.
Tonight my dreams will be good. Honeyed dreams. I'll fall asleep smiling.
And no more breaking of hearts, I'm a good obedient girl.
Before this, obedience is definately not something I prize too much; but now I want nothing more than to be obedient, to be good and clean.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Teach me how to love
'God, teach me how to love others, just like how you've loved me'
'Ah, there. Finally, you get the idea.'
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME AND ME ALONE.
Commit it all to You and I won't think about it anymore.
Everything, flirts, pimps, friends and all.
'Ah, there. Finally, you get the idea.'
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME AND ME ALONE.
Commit it all to You and I won't think about it anymore.
Everything, flirts, pimps, friends and all.
I'm okay!
guys i'm really okay, and i appreciate those messgaes, encouragements a lot(:
all the most awesome people in the world are around me yes(:
all the most awesome people in the world are around me yes(:
Sunday, July 05, 2009
I'll flollow you into the dark
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Replyy
ann: SHARE A SUBWAY AGAIN! and now, it's time to plan for our next outing on monday yes! :D thinking about it makes me :D:D:D
jiayou you too, we re MORE than halfway through this now, and more than 3/4 through ib!
yuhua: we can disappear together!(: (: okayokay? thankss huaa(:
jiayou you too, we re MORE than halfway through this now, and more than 3/4 through ib!
yuhua: we can disappear together!(: (: okayokay? thankss huaa(:
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Whoa, Kelsey
Extracts from issue 5 of 2009 Broader Perspectives:
Oh and the title of this article? FEAR.
That word pretty sums up my ib life in acsi. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous, more pressured or felt more hopeless in my entire life. Imagine dreaming about IAs and your teachers faces, waking up to 3 alarms ringing, and your heart pounding so quickly you’re sure it’s gonna drop out of your mouth. IB has really showed me a side of me that I’d never been aware of, and a side which even up to now, I don’t truly understand. All I can do is to come up with theories for why I’m behaving this way, why I’m feeling this way. Just like what it says above about the human brain being ingenious when it comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.
Those who had never done ib in acsi you would never know, you know. And even in acsi, most of them are so smart and gifted they have no reason to feel this way eitherrr. And neither do the rest who don’t really care. Or maybe it’s just me, worrying about the littlest thing, killing myself over every moment I’ve spent slacking. Try doing changing the title of your extended essay 4 times, doing 7 drafts. Try being the only one in class who has to redo both her tok essay and presentation. Try studying really hard and staying up worrying for a mere class test for 3 freaking weeks and still not do well for it. Try doing a bio design report for 3 whole days( means not doing any other work and spending 10 over hours on the com each day) and coming to school and listening to all your classmates discuss about cheem things they’ve included in your report that hadn’t even occurred to you. TRY CONSISTENTLY BEING AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CLASS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. IT SUCKS YOU KNOW.
It would be so much easier if I didn’t care so much or if I could just tell myself that those are just insanely gifted people whom I can never compare to. But no, there’s always this voice inside me that goes, munching you can if you try harder. Just try harder. I did, but that was last year. Some time this year I got so sick of trying, I got so tired of shooting in the dark, of looking like such a fool cos you have no reason for doing badly except eh sorry sir maybe I’m just dumber than the average in 6.5 you know? Heck, I couldn’t even make myself get out of bed to come to school . And I wasn’t being lazy you know, I was just very afraid. I imagine all the IAs and essays and work, undone, churning inside my mind. NO SHIT, IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. SOME NIGHTS I GET SO FEARFUL, I JUST SIT IN ONE CORNER AND WONDER WHY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY. WHY I CHOSE IB, WHY I FEEL AS IF IM IN A DEEP DEEP WELL, AND THAT I’LL NEVER MAKE IT UP TO THE LIGHT. I guess this kind of turned me away from God too. It always feels like He can wait, that qt isn’t quite as urgent as my ee drafts or my bio designs. That God is merciful, He will understand. But what didn’t exactly occur to me was that I needed to talk to Him, I needed this relationship with Him more than ever, that YES HE WIL GIVE ME COURAGE. But I know, if this happens all over again, it’s possible that I may choose to run away from Him all over again.
And the last extract. I guess this applies to friendships quite a bit. Do you know, if I were my friends, I won’t want to be friends with myself. I see so much insecurities and short comings I get put off too, and wonder why my friends aren’t. Maybe they just don’t really know me. You know, not the person I try to be, but the person you really are down inside. But recently I came to realise I’m a creation of God, He made me who I am, exactly the way I’m supposed to be. I’m not some accident or freak mistake or a defected human from His factory. He made me exactly the way He wanted. And no, I’m not perfect, but He’s preparing me for it; moulding and guiding me with the Holy Spirit, into the very person He has in mind. Someday I will be awfully awesome, awesome beyond my imagination, so awesome that even deep down I will too agree that I’m awesome. But for now, I’m insecure over so many things sometimes I think I should just lock myself at home, be on permanent hiatus and not go out and meet anyone else. And oh, if I walk away, it just means that I’m really scared so I just want to do it before you do. Then my logic us that if the friendship/ relationship/ whatevership means enough, whoever it is, he/she will get me back. Warped logic and very selfish but it’s a knee jerk thing. Most of the time I can’t really understand myself.
For now, good nights.
Song lyrics of the day: And I’ll swim the ocean for you/ the ocean for you/ whoa, Kelsey/ Oh you, darling
It took me some time to figure out why I was behaving this way. What we fear may
not always be apparent to us simply because the human brain is ingenious when it
comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.
But I know come next month, I am sure it is possible that I can be scared
all over again. I know this is true because of a lot of other things I
struggle
with.
THE IRONY IS OFTEN THAT WE FEAR THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE MORE THAN THE BAD,
LARGELY BECAUSE THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE MAY REVEAL WHO WE TRULY ARE AND HOW FAR
WE FALL SHORT OF IT.
Oh and the title of this article? FEAR.
That word pretty sums up my ib life in acsi. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous, more pressured or felt more hopeless in my entire life. Imagine dreaming about IAs and your teachers faces, waking up to 3 alarms ringing, and your heart pounding so quickly you’re sure it’s gonna drop out of your mouth. IB has really showed me a side of me that I’d never been aware of, and a side which even up to now, I don’t truly understand. All I can do is to come up with theories for why I’m behaving this way, why I’m feeling this way. Just like what it says above about the human brain being ingenious when it comes to shielding us from what we want to avoid.
Those who had never done ib in acsi you would never know, you know. And even in acsi, most of them are so smart and gifted they have no reason to feel this way eitherrr. And neither do the rest who don’t really care. Or maybe it’s just me, worrying about the littlest thing, killing myself over every moment I’ve spent slacking. Try doing changing the title of your extended essay 4 times, doing 7 drafts. Try being the only one in class who has to redo both her tok essay and presentation. Try studying really hard and staying up worrying for a mere class test for 3 freaking weeks and still not do well for it. Try doing a bio design report for 3 whole days( means not doing any other work and spending 10 over hours on the com each day) and coming to school and listening to all your classmates discuss about cheem things they’ve included in your report that hadn’t even occurred to you. TRY CONSISTENTLY BEING AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CLASS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. IT SUCKS YOU KNOW.
It would be so much easier if I didn’t care so much or if I could just tell myself that those are just insanely gifted people whom I can never compare to. But no, there’s always this voice inside me that goes, munching you can if you try harder. Just try harder. I did, but that was last year. Some time this year I got so sick of trying, I got so tired of shooting in the dark, of looking like such a fool cos you have no reason for doing badly except eh sorry sir maybe I’m just dumber than the average in 6.5 you know? Heck, I couldn’t even make myself get out of bed to come to school . And I wasn’t being lazy you know, I was just very afraid. I imagine all the IAs and essays and work, undone, churning inside my mind. NO SHIT, IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. SOME NIGHTS I GET SO FEARFUL, I JUST SIT IN ONE CORNER AND WONDER WHY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY. WHY I CHOSE IB, WHY I FEEL AS IF IM IN A DEEP DEEP WELL, AND THAT I’LL NEVER MAKE IT UP TO THE LIGHT. I guess this kind of turned me away from God too. It always feels like He can wait, that qt isn’t quite as urgent as my ee drafts or my bio designs. That God is merciful, He will understand. But what didn’t exactly occur to me was that I needed to talk to Him, I needed this relationship with Him more than ever, that YES HE WIL GIVE ME COURAGE. But I know, if this happens all over again, it’s possible that I may choose to run away from Him all over again.
And the last extract. I guess this applies to friendships quite a bit. Do you know, if I were my friends, I won’t want to be friends with myself. I see so much insecurities and short comings I get put off too, and wonder why my friends aren’t. Maybe they just don’t really know me. You know, not the person I try to be, but the person you really are down inside. But recently I came to realise I’m a creation of God, He made me who I am, exactly the way I’m supposed to be. I’m not some accident or freak mistake or a defected human from His factory. He made me exactly the way He wanted. And no, I’m not perfect, but He’s preparing me for it; moulding and guiding me with the Holy Spirit, into the very person He has in mind. Someday I will be awfully awesome, awesome beyond my imagination, so awesome that even deep down I will too agree that I’m awesome. But for now, I’m insecure over so many things sometimes I think I should just lock myself at home, be on permanent hiatus and not go out and meet anyone else. And oh, if I walk away, it just means that I’m really scared so I just want to do it before you do. Then my logic us that if the friendship/ relationship/ whatevership means enough, whoever it is, he/she will get me back. Warped logic and very selfish but it’s a knee jerk thing. Most of the time I can’t really understand myself.
For now, good nights.
Song lyrics of the day: And I’ll swim the ocean for you/ the ocean for you/ whoa, Kelsey/ Oh you, darling
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Exam week
Don't you see, I want to go where the sky near, where you can reach out and feel the clouds. I want to roll down a grassy hill!
On monday I fell asleep on the astroturf and had a dream.
On monday I did my papers withouth sleeping the entire night.
Midyears are disgusting. I screwed up damn badly and I'm scared. The munching-youre-extremely-dumb thing is getting into me.
I didn't cry at all, not AT ALL this week. Good job, brave girl.
And I won't cry this week, I'll try.
And I won't run away either.
Munching is a very good girl.
And you, you're treading on unsafe grounds. Back off, stay away, if not I won't know what to do with you anymore. This's happened before, so I know. But I don't know how to warn you, you know?
Move on, I'm not the girl.
On monday I fell asleep on the astroturf and had a dream.
On monday I did my papers withouth sleeping the entire night.
Midyears are disgusting. I screwed up damn badly and I'm scared. The munching-youre-extremely-dumb thing is getting into me.
I didn't cry at all, not AT ALL this week. Good job, brave girl.
And I won't cry this week, I'll try.
And I won't run away either.
Munching is a very good girl.
And you, you're treading on unsafe grounds. Back off, stay away, if not I won't know what to do with you anymore. This's happened before, so I know. But I don't know how to warn you, you know?
Move on, I'm not the girl.
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