i suppose after coming such a long way, its right time now to put an end to everything. the night i came back from poc, i scribbled something on my diary: 'you think of the start and smile, then you realise with a stab that you're now at the ending point.' i thought poc would mean nothing to me exccept that i'll have more time to mug for ohs but as i write letters and go through poc i really dont know wad to think anymore. everything, the memories keeps coming. in secone, the first time i did punishments was in march camp. the secthrees forgot something so they went down then the sectwos asked for permissojn to join them the secones didnt know wad to do so we had to go down too then the sectwos and threes came up we were left down there the seniors were like 'permission to join sectwos in punishments maam' or something like that i dont know why but i felt soso touched. and i guess, no matter how pathetic it sounds, it was from this momnet that i reallyreally liked redcross. like the love, the spirit, the comaradship[correct spelling?]. yes then talentime how we prctised our malay dance practically 5 time s a week during the hols how once we did from morning to evening.how we loved sitting there watching the ncos[now exexex ncos] do their jungle thing. oh and our very first poc too! our lemon trees and the blur teddies. and the longlong speech. then sectwo. ndp. camp reprot. you grow up and realise theres responsibilities too. how excited we were when we first saw our juniors we ran ard the amphi looking for them like mad wome then we played the newspaper games i cant rmb wads that called with them. then our second poc it was sosos sad i was like ohno why this again wad the hell is the problem with whoever why moving on means passing out for some people. then secthree, all the manymnany ups and downs. more downs than ups i guess. yeah, and i havent exactly been the best junior or senior either. i know was was subborn or even arrogant and i was trying to hold on to everything though in the end i realised that i ve lost every single thing. yeah, bitterness, disappointment, stuff that even the closest of my friends dint know. i remeber one day in sinlins house[ aft fac05 i think] we sat on the sofa of her old house[omg i do miss that place sososo much] and talked about how everything seems to be falling apart, how we feel so helpless in doing anything how tired we are to carry everything else that no one else wanted to, i almost started crying and im sure sin and li felt very sad too though i dont know if they still rmb about it now. oh and being orientation i/c, the hundred and one things that i forgot and the wad we heard later on on not teaching the secones anything. ive reflected on that a lot and hmm given one more chance i would have kept this thing called delegation in my mind ansnot think im some superwoman able to do it all. then we took over. it was very weird hearing 'munching maam'. even though now im used to it and even though theoritically im not a maam anymore i still kinda like hearing the maam behind my name. so that i can go on pretending that im still in redcross and that nothing has changed since friday. yeah, fat chance. okay. being and nco is boring and very dull and i felt like not only were the clouds rolling in, they were clouding my mind and choking me. and i felt like i couldnt ever find my rainbow.

okay i dont have much time-so heres about poc