Nothing's ever too hard

God's here with us. He sees, He understands and He guides ( in case we turn this into idolatry) so nothing's gonna be too hard.

Thankful

I KNOW YOU'LL BE READING THIS SO THIS IS FOR YOU.

You give and take away

Life has been too good to me. God has showered me with blessings after blessings, I'm overwhelmed, I'm grateful, and 'happy' is an understatement. From the academics, to relationships, to 101 other things, You have been good to me.

And that's why I'm afraid. I've seen my prayers being answered, one by one. I've been seeing the blessings come one after and another, but whenever i thank God, I'm also dying to ask, 'When are You gonna take this away?' I know trials will come, I know our faith will be put to test, I know He refines and moulds His children by putting them through the fire. I know, just as He freely gives, He can also freely take away. I feel like I'm bracing myself, everyday, for that moment where everything will start tumbling downhill. That 'Job moment' where everything will be taken away, and we will learnt to praise His name in spite of everything.

There are 3 things I hold closest to my heart: studies, friends and him. In no particular order. I really don't know what I'll do if any of the 3 are taken away? And I'm frightened, all the time. Especially now when everything is still new and exciting, where I know we're going through the honeymoon period where we can spend hours and hours on the phone, and he'll still willingly send me home all the time. When will novelty gives way to mundaneness, what happens? It just scares me immensely, that one day things won't be the same anymore. Have we been wearing rose-tinted glasses? Will we really get bored of this one day? What if it's not Your plan for this to happen?

I don't know, I don't know, and I feel so silly sometimes worrying and thinking so much, but it's running and running through my head, and it needs a place to settle, so here it'll belong. I'll trust God. Trust that just as He has brought us through the highs, He'll bring us through the lows as well.

Rubbish in a bin

I'm feeling so stressed out and i don't know whyy! Whyyyyyyy. Whyyyyyyyy.
Hahahah enough of nonsense. Maybe its cos of eh eh bhbh or maybe its the south asian mids next week, or its the gem or its everything. Oh maybeee, maybeeeee.
DON'T KNOW LA THIS SUCKS A LOT.

I'm aware of how blessed I am, but but but I can still feel blessed and be stressed?? No?? Maybeeee???

Hahahhah my most retarded, thoughtless post everrr(:

Top of the world

I will trust You.

Nip and tuck

How do I tell you that I'm afraid? That it's not you, it's me. You're good and you're awesome, and I'm not good enough and that's the problem. What if one day you realise what I've always known, what if one day everything disappears, what am I going to do? When the mask falls away and we're faced with the good, bad and ugly, can we take it? I need to know why, why me. Exactly what do you see? Tell me why and I'll tell you why not. I'm nothing like the person you think I am. I've tucked the ugliness neatly away, I've polished up a new shinning exterior, it's pretty because it's nothing like the real thing.

We both saw the crack, sorry I pretended everything is okay. And until I learn a better way to hide my insecurities, I'll keep glossing over all these with a smile.

I want to go completely crazyy

More

More than I would ever dare admit.
More than I deserve.
Less of me, more of You in this please. I know we can't manage this alone; sometimes I feel like just throwing it all aside because I'm so sick of fake sweets. I know this time it'll be different because I'll be obedient to You, at all costs. So I will stop praying ' Dear God, let me know your will for my life', but instead I'll just fix my eyes on you and everything will be fine.
You couldn't have known, but I'm telling you now: it's called insecurities. Push the wrong button and we'll be stabbing each other.

Next time!

I'm scared as hell, you know. How would I know, that something supposedly so awesome can frighten me so.

Not ready, next time, next time! Maybe I'm just not ready to grow up:(

Green monster

This huge green monster called Jealousy.

Look before you fall

I'll look before I fall, just to make sure. Like a gamble, we'll make sure we put all our chips on the best one. We cross our fingers and pray,' let this be the one.'

What if it's not? There's no way we can get our chips back, we already know that.

So, look before you fall.

Tell me if you are a jerk.

Tell me if you are a jerk.

Teeny weeny

Look around and see how tiny you really are.

10 Red Indians

1. It's funny how someone from so long ago can appear and still leave you gagging, your heart inside your mouth. I clicked on the x, made you go away, and clicked on somebody else to take your place. I'm hoping, I'm hoping.

2. I love the pop pop pop from facebook chat windows. Who cares that they're so tiny?

3. Pick the apple from the apple tree, pluck it, eat it. You don't have to wash it, it's really clean.

4. If I'm wondergirl, I've to find a spiderman for a boyfriend.

5. The decision to club or not is a personal one, something you must decide for yourself, something you must must must pray about and hear what God says. If you go with clean intentions, you'll be at peace. If not, wait, wait and wait. Until God says you're ready. After all, God has such a good track record I've gotta trust Him.

6. How do you know if God is nodding His head? Okay if you know right, please give me a tap on the shoulder and let me know. I need to know how.

7. Mulberry and Lychees, mmmm. You go bom bom bom.

8. The distracted life. Busy busy as a bumble bee, directionless as a headless chicken. You you you, you are running around like a headless chicken.

9. Hide in a hole now, let no one find you. Feed on your thoughts.

10. The smilely face ran away, hee hee you're stuck with your angry face.

Let's cha-cha,

University

I think university is v v v scary. Even with friends, even if you're in Arts fac. ROAR ROAR

Everything's gonna be okay now

Everything's gonna be okay now.

Crossiants go and die

Stupid crossiants go and die. You are so troublesome, why must you taste so good. WHYYYY

Rainbow heart

Tear off your mask, hold your heart in your hands. I' ll pour in a rainbow into your heart. The valves will be not able to keep it out. See, look, you're shinning (:

Revelation

I’m reading Revelations now and it’s v v frightening.

Rev 2: 4-5 ‘ yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lamp-stand from its place.’

Something even scarier: Rev 3:16 ‘So, because you are luke-warm- neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, poor, blind and naked.’

THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD BUT I’VE MADE UP MY MIND AND I’M GONNA DO IT. It’s no coincidence that after I prayed about it during cell retreat, I flipped to the Old Testament and read about Israelites being led down the path of destruction. Then I was just reading again about ‘people defiling themselves.’ I was gonna say I wish God can speak to me to my face so it’s more obvious, then I remembered, especially after reading Revelations, how the earth shakes at the sound of His voice and how looking at the holy Lord can kill you. So thank God for speaking thorough the bible and His people instead.

You know, my life is actually v v v comfortable now. You can even say that I’ve never felt so comfortable and peaceful in my entire life. During primary school, my life is like one big empty hole. It was so dark and empty, I was so used to the darkness I thought it was a normalcy in life. In secondary school I tried filling the emptiness with friends, msn, blogging, music, sch activities, but it was still empty. And in ACSI it was just day after day of completing IAs TOKs EE goodnessssss. Okay my life story hahaha. ANYWAY, my point is, I love how I can now live day to day without burden, light and happy and with God. Though I now am quite sick of Jones and wish I can work with Ann and Mama Claire ALL THE TIME, (yesterday was the BEST day of work I ever had in Jones, and for no reason other than the awesome people around. Claire was like ‘Just be happy and work. Hoping for a peaceful night.’ And it turned out to be not only a peaceful night, but a sweeeeet night as well. A guy came to our shop to look for a birthday cake, then we were like oh sorry we don't have, so he went down to Taka to buy before coming back again. Then he arranged a surprise for her. Then he sat down for a long long time to wait for her. As he waited he got a little anxious and asked me what time we close. Haha finally when the girlfriend came, she’s quite pretty plus the bf was rather cute so both of them looked quite good together! We were all watching them then even Fareed was like Aw very sweet you know.), I still like the fact that it’s a brainless job, not as boring as Pat’s, and that there’s never left over work (but there’s always left over food!) to bring home(:

Well, but I guess these days will be ending soon. Say bye to idleness, and hello to new burdens. But I’m smiling as I see school life beckoning to me!!! Quite exciting, being around people my age again. And making REAL FRIENDS, HAVING REAL, NON-HOW-ARE-YOU CONVERSATIONS AGAIN. Though the initial oh what’s your name, what school were you from thing is bound to get quite tedious and annoying. Suck it up and everything will be good after that(:

On a VERY HAPPY NOTE:D:D:D, 1) Commonwealth Children’s Camp is coming and I’m praying God will be with us every step along the way, the planning and execution and all that 2) LAVANNIA NA IS COMING BACK! The most retarded person I’ve met my entire life is back and I’m looking forward to goooooood and crazy timessssss. 3)I’m going hongkong!!!! Budget+ sales plane tics and free accommodation omgggg. Dim sum, here I come!!!! 4) FOC for FASS and VCF (still thinking about that one)

I’m really v v blessed. These two weeks has been spent with the most amazing people everrr. Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking to myself it’s all too good to be true. The people I have around me are too good to be MY friends. On my bday there was ann Cherie Vicky Claire Debbie Brenda yuhua syl(: (: (: then I had lunch/ dinner with chinwee gene the next 2 days. I also had Japanese food (THUMBS UP TO ANYTHING THAT IS JAPANESE AND EDIBLE) my mum some time after that. THEN shopping with sin and liz, followed by dinner with them both and syl and li(: (: GOOD FOOD AND GOOD COMPANY. Then shuan for FRIED XXXL CHICKEN AND FRIED MARS BARS, then yuhua today for zajiang mian. Then childrens camp committee for chomchom dinner/ supper/ feast. I swear I can’t locate my waist now.

HORRIBLE DAY AT WORK

sunday after a horrible day at work:

Today was a horrible day at Jones. I got scolded- TWICE. And knowing that you were the one at fault, 100% just makes everything harder. If I had gotten scolded for something’s that’s not my fault I’ll just be very annoyed and come to the conclusion that people are just retarded and they’re not worth getting upset over then get over it in a moment. But if it’s something that is totally my fault, it makes me feel so stupid and stupid and stupid. (Sorry for the limited volcab; repetition for emphasis.) LIKE TODAY. Like how it totally slipped my mind that afternoon shifts on weekends start at 1430, NOT 1500. Like how I decided the customer wouldn’t mind if I just slip a few sugar cubes into the sugar glasses on his table so I won’t have to go back later to do it, when I know perfectly well that the smart and correct thing to do would be to only top up them empty tables. And that’s not all, I had to accidentally fling a sugar cube on the man’s dear wife ( the retarded man who went like ‘oh I want to sit next to my wife’ and the same retard who made a fuss about ting reading up on DELI stuffs during work times.)

It’s so easy to blame it on the customers like what I’m so tempted to do right now. But really, who the hell am I kidding, it’s really me who’s retarded and I wish I’m not so retarded. Thank God for blessing me with patient people around me who really put up with my noobness and brainless comments. I can’t imagine having a friend like myself around, I’ll just feel like stabbing her all the time. ANYWAY. I’m such a troublemaker I think Jones was just asking for trouble when they hired me. I do stupid and embarrassing things EVERYDAY. I don't think there’s every been a day where I haven’t made any mistakes, even after working there for nearly a month. RETARDED RETARDED ,RETARDED. Okay for example. The major times when I’ve pissed people off. Today twice ( where’s ann when I need someone to cry to at work???) and last week the wrong order tapas order on chef’s last day at work that he made a big huha and everyone knew about it. Then when I apologized he said, ‘ When you all are newcomers, I give you guys room for mistakes. But you can’t just keep on making all these mistakes. Firstly, you waste the company’s resources. Secondly, you waste my time and effort. (I’m convinced he had a thirdly but I can't remember what it is)’ But after that he went like ‘ actually nevermind one laa.’ That’s a bit confusing, because after being so harsh he suddenly made it seem so non consequential. Okay and today’s munching-got-into-trouble scenes keeps replaying in my head so I need to put it down over here as well. When I came into the shop, singcheer was like ‘what time are you supposed to be here?’ then I was so stunned I just stared at her. She repeated herself again and her eyes were boring straight mine, ‘what time are you supposed to be here.’ ‘3 pm, you sure it’s 3pm? Did you check your schedule?’ it was really her tone that did me in, I felt like dying there and then. And if I hadn't felt so ashamed of my mindlessness and was trying desperately to quickly get on the floor to help out in some way, I would have ran to the toilet and cried. The second one was as bad actually. ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE, CAN’T YOU DO THIS LATER??’ EXACT SAME WORDS. Okay I’m just gonna say here what I’ve been so tempted to say. I know it’s my fault and the customer’s always right, but surely you’re cultured enough to keep your cool and not raised your voice at something that’s really quite minor? And to raise your voice at a girl probably 1/3 your age just shows your age hasn’t taught you too much about gentleness and basic manners. Oh and the chef. On Friday during dinner I was like ‘hello, about the confit chicken..’ then he was like ‘what hello, I’ve got a name okay.’, in an annoyed way. This is really quite puzzling, how is saying hello so rude that I had offended him?? Okay but he’s nice pretty much of the time and helps our bakery side when he’s got nothing to do in the kitchen so yeah, he’s nice I guess. And singcheer’s really nice too, though she REALLY REALLY scared me today and I think I’m forever gonna be a bit frightened whenever a see her.

I think fei might be right when he said ‘you know what face is that or not, it’s the I’m-sick-of-working-here face.’ Maybeee. Or maybe I’m just scared, I’ve no idea what trouble I’ll get into next you know. Perhaps on my next major screw-up, everyone’s gonna get annoyed and thing like why this girl just doesn't learn. Maybe even ann will get annoyed, maybe even fei who has been v patiently fixing all my screw-ups will get annoyed, maybe even angus who seems to never get annoyed at anything will get annoyed. KILL ME NOWWW. Ohyes and last week a dropped a knife and it almost hit a pregnant woman. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really normal??
I wish I’m closer to those people at Jones. I guess they’re close with one another since they joke around with each other so much. But most of the time I have nothing to say to them, and im so afraid that I’ll get scolded for standing around and talking I just avoid conversations all the time. Which makes me really miss school, or the schoolish environment. Like how you can chat on the way to lectures, meet random friends in school and just loiter around for 5 10 15 minutes to catch up. You know, conversations that actually go beyond ‘how are you?’ I think I’m really uncomfortable with distances between me and people. Okay I suck at expressing myself, but I’ll still try, though. I wish my colleagues can become my friends, like people I look forward to seeing at work, instead of a no-choice-what-i-have-to-work-with-you-so-just-be-nice-and-talk-to-you-a-bit-la kind. Like people I can play around with, people I can talk to when things don't go right, people who will tell me what’s bothering them when they look so upset, and people who will share with me their lives that’s so diff from mine, and people who will laugh at the same retarded really not v funny things that I laugh at, and people who I can hug after a horrible/ awesome day of work. And people I can hang out with after work and chill and talk. I think I just might be quite happy when school starts, being in a place with so many people of my age, surrounded by friends.

OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE YOUR BLESSINGS. KNOW THAT WHAT YOU ALR HAVE IS MORE THAN WHAT YOU’VE ASKED FOR. Lord, I’m getting sick and bored of life, what do I do?? When I work, I get upset/ bored, when I have school, I feel trapped; when I have nothing to do, I feel like dying.

Sweet as an apple pie

Secretly, I miss you. This sucks, shhhh, don't tell don't tell.

Go awayy

One day I'll run far far away. One day you'll wake up and find that I'm no longer there. I don't wanna be your daughter anymore. After that day, I hope to be far away enough, safe enough, to think you're just a bad dream. I'll marry a good boy and set up a good family. But even then, I know I'll have to live the rest of my adult life being seen as a bad daughter. And at the back of my head, the thought of retribution will haunt me.

I have good reasons to believe I'm only thinking, only rambling on here. I've no guts, no guts at all to do what I wanna do. Especially if it's wrong.

Even if I do everything well and everything right, I know you'll still make me feel small and worthless. So I'll won't even try. I really wanna get away from you.

Sushi picnic (: (: (:

amanda brenda claire debbie rachel vicky made my day todayy(: (: i almost forgot how nice it can be hanging out with sch girlss(:

Beautifull

Matter of life and death.

Take me to somewhere that's beautiful.

Play pretend

It's getting much better. But still, pick me up and take me away. I just want to hide someplace where nobody can find me for a long long long long time, until the world falls asleep, until everything turns good.

An Ocean and a Rock II

What you at my gentle spoken friend
I lack a frame to put you in
When you're an ocean and a rock away

I feel you in the pocket of my overcoat
My fingers wrap around your words
And take the shape of games we play

I feed your words through my buttonholes
I bring them to my fingerless gloves
Green and prone to fraying

Thoughts of you warm my bones
I'm on the way, I'm on the phone
Let's get lost, me and you
An ocean and a rock is nothing to me

I am far away from where you lay
Awake the day while you fall to sleep
An ocean and a rock away

I keep you in the pockets of my dresses
And the bristles of my brushes
Spin you into my curls today

I spoon you into my coffee cup
Spin you through a delicate wash
I wear you all day
I wear you all day

This song reminds me of you, every time.

An Ocean and a Rock

Inside myself I seem to be searching for something but I don't know what that thing is. Nothing falls into place, you know what I mean?

Sylviakampeirong

Sylviakampeirong hope you're reading this in US and know that you're missed. Even though we don't really meet up as often as we'd like to when you're in singpore, but knowing you're so far away makes me sad.
Take care and please take shorter holidays next time!

Little Superhero Girl

I miss school, so strange and pathetic, after all the ponning that I did last year. I miss even the IAs and the EEs and the boring lessons. But I guess what I really miss is having all your friends around you all the time, the company and awesome friendships and all. Like even though there's class party tmr ( I'm so tired I've NO IDEA how I'll be able to make it there) the girls can meet up and I'll prob see ann and the rest around, it's just different when you don't see them all the time like you do in school. It seems like I've forgotten how hard it used to be, all the struggles with the stupid pracs, annoying essays aft essays and 101 other things that ppl took 1 night to complete but me being the genius that I was, took 10000 hours.

I've been feeling v v strange ever since I started work, but this feeling is so new and queer I don't exactly know what is it that I'm feeling. It's part disillusionment, part hopelessness, part disappointment and part a hundred other emotions that I can't put a finger on. I know I have much to be grateful for, I should give thanks for the kids' smiles, give thanks for the love and favour, give thanks for my salary, and give thanks for friends who understand who put up with me when I snap at them after a horrible day at work. But I just don't feel grateful, you know? I feel trapped and it's as if I'm living out a jail term at work? Each and every single day just feels plain horrible, I keep counting down the number of days left till tgif, number of months I've to work for and all that. And right now, nothing, nothing at all truly gives me joy, and I get excited about almost nothing at all as wellll. It's as if work has sucked out all the life in me, something even IAs and EE didn't quite manage to do. Half way throughout conversations I'll subconsciously zone out and I'll lose interest in whatever anyone has to say, and my msn convos hardly gets past the hello how you doings. I keep thinking of rollling green hills, majestic mountains and endless australian blue skies, I hate where I'm stuck at now. I guess I might just be disappointed with myself that after all the happy thoughts during IB about really getting away and chilling out and having fun and doing what I really want to do doesn't quite match with my reality now. And maybe I'm unhappy with how much time work's taking up and how I'm not learning really as much as I had hope ( I feel nothing more than a nanny really, a fancier term teacher assistant. My job scope includes doing registration under the sun in the morning, sitting alongside the kids during lessons, make sure the playgrp kids don't cry, feed them, change diapers and clean up their shit), like how I'm not being challenged and benefiting from the job. Or maybe I'm just being silly and ungrateful. Maybe it's my mindset that needs changing, not the circumstances. I guess I'm probably learning things unconsciously, that perhaps I'm not learning things in my head but in my heart rather. I'd prayed for patience for love, and that really, God is preparing these fruit of the spirit in my heart. Maybe I'm just being refined and moulded (thanks syl this's in your words) without knowing it myself. Maybe all I need is really patience and faith to wait on Him and the kids.

It doesn't mean its never going to happen

From philosophy quote in visualizeus.com

I sure as hell hope its true(:

For you

“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”

BY MIRANDI JULY

Happily ever after

Came across this from pleasefindthis.blogspot.com:

Some people say that love doesn't last forever.

But I've met other people. And while over the decades their bodies have forgotten the ideas of who they were, their heads remember their hearts.

Maybe they didn't love forever, just a lifetime.

But they still make liars of those people. You and I can make liars of them too.

I'm dying to find out how it must feel like to live out the happily ever after story. 'Happily ever after' not in the sense that everything just becomes a bed of roses after marriage, but more like how you stay in love with each other for half a lifetime, being each other's greatest gift from God.

In my head, it's a very beautiful notion. You return home everyday to the arms of someone you've been dying to see the entire day. You build your life together, you bring up your children together, and you grow old together. You're surrounded by so much love, it makes you giddy just thinking about it. It must be lovely, you think you're the happiest person around.

But I'm not really sure if love does last forever. I really don't see how things will work out once the passion dies. How do you stay in love forever, how do you face a person everyday for 10 years and not get sick of this person whom you used to love so much. 'Happily ever after' is more like a concept than a possibility to me, you know.

Potter's hands

I think we become truly happy when we stop living for ourselves, but for something bigger than us. When you'll do everything willingly for something, when every single moment of your life counts and works towards that. For me that 'something bigger' should be Jesus, but it's not actually happening. I'm still going about day to day living for myself, my actions answerable to me and me only. God's this side activity that only pops into my mind at about 11plus every night, this being that I worship only on Saturday afternoons. For someone who has died for me, whom I confess to love with my life, whom I sang 'I'll go to the ends of the earth for You' to, that's being awfully hypocritical and ungrateful on my part. It's as if I only believe in You in my head, and You have no place in my heart. Something struck me this afternoon during worship, that by not surrending my life into His hands, I'm missing out on His purposes for my life. I'm like those rats you see in a maze, seemingly moving from one cheese to the next yet in reality they're only moving in circles, never really going anywhere. That without centring my life on Him, I'm not actually doing anything. All the studies, work, friendships, they're like nothing, you know? And I really feel that way. It's like nothing I do really makes me happy anymore.I feel as if I'm going around leading my life in this bubble, that I'm not actually living, but like a spectator watching things unfold around me from the inside of my bubble. I lovelovelove my friends, but meeting up with them doesn't exactly bring joy to my heart, it's like a routine I go through or like something I feel I ought to do lest I lose them forever. I'm really afriad I'll be like this, floating from day to day till I wake up on the last day of my life and realise that despite doing so much, I'm really not doing anything at all. It's such a scary thought. JESUS I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU HELP ME PLEASE. I don't wanna contiune floating around, living apart from you and Your purposes, missing out on Your plans.

This's a strange period of time for me, taking up a job and looking at my options for future career choices. Oh, there's so much I can talk about, chnaging the diapers for the little monsters in work, what I envision myself doing in the future, and eh my IB results. But I don't really wanna say about these so I guess I'll just end here.

Barney is a dinosaur

' You can be anything in the future,' says Barney,' but whatever you decide
to be, you will always be special to me.'

I'm a superstar

Miss you and hope you're doing fine, sorry I just didn't/ don't have any energy or mood to tell you that.