HORRIBLE DAY AT WORK

sunday after a horrible day at work:

Today was a horrible day at Jones. I got scolded- TWICE. And knowing that you were the one at fault, 100% just makes everything harder. If I had gotten scolded for something’s that’s not my fault I’ll just be very annoyed and come to the conclusion that people are just retarded and they’re not worth getting upset over then get over it in a moment. But if it’s something that is totally my fault, it makes me feel so stupid and stupid and stupid. (Sorry for the limited volcab; repetition for emphasis.) LIKE TODAY. Like how it totally slipped my mind that afternoon shifts on weekends start at 1430, NOT 1500. Like how I decided the customer wouldn’t mind if I just slip a few sugar cubes into the sugar glasses on his table so I won’t have to go back later to do it, when I know perfectly well that the smart and correct thing to do would be to only top up them empty tables. And that’s not all, I had to accidentally fling a sugar cube on the man’s dear wife ( the retarded man who went like ‘oh I want to sit next to my wife’ and the same retard who made a fuss about ting reading up on DELI stuffs during work times.)

It’s so easy to blame it on the customers like what I’m so tempted to do right now. But really, who the hell am I kidding, it’s really me who’s retarded and I wish I’m not so retarded. Thank God for blessing me with patient people around me who really put up with my noobness and brainless comments. I can’t imagine having a friend like myself around, I’ll just feel like stabbing her all the time. ANYWAY. I’m such a troublemaker I think Jones was just asking for trouble when they hired me. I do stupid and embarrassing things EVERYDAY. I don't think there’s every been a day where I haven’t made any mistakes, even after working there for nearly a month. RETARDED RETARDED ,RETARDED. Okay for example. The major times when I’ve pissed people off. Today twice ( where’s ann when I need someone to cry to at work???) and last week the wrong order tapas order on chef’s last day at work that he made a big huha and everyone knew about it. Then when I apologized he said, ‘ When you all are newcomers, I give you guys room for mistakes. But you can’t just keep on making all these mistakes. Firstly, you waste the company’s resources. Secondly, you waste my time and effort. (I’m convinced he had a thirdly but I can't remember what it is)’ But after that he went like ‘ actually nevermind one laa.’ That’s a bit confusing, because after being so harsh he suddenly made it seem so non consequential. Okay and today’s munching-got-into-trouble scenes keeps replaying in my head so I need to put it down over here as well. When I came into the shop, singcheer was like ‘what time are you supposed to be here?’ then I was so stunned I just stared at her. She repeated herself again and her eyes were boring straight mine, ‘what time are you supposed to be here.’ ‘3 pm, you sure it’s 3pm? Did you check your schedule?’ it was really her tone that did me in, I felt like dying there and then. And if I hadn't felt so ashamed of my mindlessness and was trying desperately to quickly get on the floor to help out in some way, I would have ran to the toilet and cried. The second one was as bad actually. ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE, CAN’T YOU DO THIS LATER??’ EXACT SAME WORDS. Okay I’m just gonna say here what I’ve been so tempted to say. I know it’s my fault and the customer’s always right, but surely you’re cultured enough to keep your cool and not raised your voice at something that’s really quite minor? And to raise your voice at a girl probably 1/3 your age just shows your age hasn’t taught you too much about gentleness and basic manners. Oh and the chef. On Friday during dinner I was like ‘hello, about the confit chicken..’ then he was like ‘what hello, I’ve got a name okay.’, in an annoyed way. This is really quite puzzling, how is saying hello so rude that I had offended him?? Okay but he’s nice pretty much of the time and helps our bakery side when he’s got nothing to do in the kitchen so yeah, he’s nice I guess. And singcheer’s really nice too, though she REALLY REALLY scared me today and I think I’m forever gonna be a bit frightened whenever a see her.

I think fei might be right when he said ‘you know what face is that or not, it’s the I’m-sick-of-working-here face.’ Maybeee. Or maybe I’m just scared, I’ve no idea what trouble I’ll get into next you know. Perhaps on my next major screw-up, everyone’s gonna get annoyed and thing like why this girl just doesn't learn. Maybe even ann will get annoyed, maybe even fei who has been v patiently fixing all my screw-ups will get annoyed, maybe even angus who seems to never get annoyed at anything will get annoyed. KILL ME NOWWW. Ohyes and last week a dropped a knife and it almost hit a pregnant woman. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really normal??
I wish I’m closer to those people at Jones. I guess they’re close with one another since they joke around with each other so much. But most of the time I have nothing to say to them, and im so afraid that I’ll get scolded for standing around and talking I just avoid conversations all the time. Which makes me really miss school, or the schoolish environment. Like how you can chat on the way to lectures, meet random friends in school and just loiter around for 5 10 15 minutes to catch up. You know, conversations that actually go beyond ‘how are you?’ I think I’m really uncomfortable with distances between me and people. Okay I suck at expressing myself, but I’ll still try, though. I wish my colleagues can become my friends, like people I look forward to seeing at work, instead of a no-choice-what-i-have-to-work-with-you-so-just-be-nice-and-talk-to-you-a-bit-la kind. Like people I can play around with, people I can talk to when things don't go right, people who will tell me what’s bothering them when they look so upset, and people who will share with me their lives that’s so diff from mine, and people who will laugh at the same retarded really not v funny things that I laugh at, and people who I can hug after a horrible/ awesome day of work. And people I can hang out with after work and chill and talk. I think I just might be quite happy when school starts, being in a place with so many people of my age, surrounded by friends.

OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE YOUR BLESSINGS. KNOW THAT WHAT YOU ALR HAVE IS MORE THAN WHAT YOU’VE ASKED FOR. Lord, I’m getting sick and bored of life, what do I do?? When I work, I get upset/ bored, when I have school, I feel trapped; when I have nothing to do, I feel like dying.